Change is inevitable

Its very interesting looking back at who I was and who I've become, I know I didn't keep my blog updated much of 2011, and that was mostly for me, I needed to do some growing up and changing. I am a whole new person, I am happy, I am who I want to be, I am not who others tell me I should be. I know there are moments in life that get pushed under the rug, but with the things that are going on this year, change was inevitable. I embrace that change. A year ago I was afraid for my life, I didn't know who where or what I wanted to be. So maybe I don't have all those answers yet, but I am no longer afraid for my life, I trust and love my family, and if they want to know something about my life I'll gladly tell them,whether they are accepting or not. Being in the closet of life is unhealthy I can't be afraid of who I am. As the year 2011 comes to a close I have no regrets, I spent my time well, I met new people, I worked my tail off, I let go of old friends and welcomed the new. I know friends are important to have. The occasional day away from family with your friends is good. I've grown to love my family as though they were my only friends in the world. I've watched my niece grow up to become a beautiful toddler and she means the world to me. If I had to give everything up all I would want is my family. They are the best thing to have ever happened to me. I am not the LuEllen you all started out reading about. I am no longer "Just LuEllen" I am SO much more. I'm not done learning and I never will be, but I've finally realized that I'm worth it. I've spent my time telling other people that they were worth another day, but I never told myself that I was. So say goodbye to the LuEllen you knew and welcome in the new me!

Dear Future,

I do believe you know me, and remember me, but if you don't I'm you.
I'm going to be better at this, I used to be pretty great, and then some stuff went down and I wasn't myself anymore. I think I'm back though, I think I'm better.  I've been going to this parenting class for a while now... Yeah, I don't plan on having kids for a while, but this information has proven to be very useful for me. Lately I've been having trouble finding reasons to keep on going. I've been in a pretty deep depression, and last night while my insomnia was overwhelming, and my sleep aides hadn't kicked in yet, I decided to stop letting myself think of reasons not to live, but to find every reason possible to live, and to write them all down in a journal that I'll take every where with me. So now that you're all updated on me and my issues, on to the real point of this post...
To my future spouse: I do a lot of thinking about you, I don't think we've met yet, but I hope I get to meet you soon enough. I want to make some promises to you right now that I will keep forever. I promise to love you with all of my heart. I promise never to physically hurt you. I promise that I will do my very best to never emotionally hurt you. I promise never to hide you from my family and friends. I know that my family is tough to deal with, but if I love you, I hope that they'll love you too. You will meet them all some day. They're really great, even with the issues that they have with me, and will probably have with you. I know that you're great and we'll handle this together. I promise never to harm the beautiful children that I know we will have, I'll be the best mom ever for you and for them. I promise I'll be with you until the very end, through thick and thin, better or worse, sickness or health. Some days I might forget these promises, just bring me right back to this page and make me remember. I love you now, even though we haven't met yet, and I'll love you forever.

Alright, to the rest of you thanks for bearing with my hopeless romanticism. I know sometimes my rambling on about this stuff gets tough to read, but I'm on a journey. The Journey for a better life...

Thank you.

It's been just about a year, and I finally feel like my entire goal for this blog is beginning to work out. I know, I've said it before, and this time I absolutely mean it. I am finally happy. It took being hurt to the point of no return, hating myself more than I ever could imagine, and then growing up, and moving on. I am over it. I am over you. Thank you for helping me become myself, if you hadn't hurt me I couldn't be this happier than ever girl that I am today. Yeah, I'm single, Yeah, I'm okay with that. I've been helping my brother out a bit lately and today I finally felt happy, and comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to get out of the car and dance, and I never want to dance, not since I was little anyways. I'm perfect just the way I am, and I'm not changing for anyone but myself.