Take time

Recently I had a cherished friend and co-worker become dangerously ill. This particular co-worker has been a light for me in this dark world. I am eternally grateful for her. She is from an older generation and I cherish talking to her about her memories. She was taught to work, and to work hard. She was taught that she could provide for herself and others. Often she tells me about how her family ran the largest laundry service in the state, and how she worked for Coleman sewing zippers on sleeping bags. She opened her own beauty shop, and she still cuts her own hair. She would tell me about growing up, and how close she lived to school. She told me about how shy she was. She told me about meeting her husband. She tells me she never personally knew my grandparents, but she knew of them. She's younger than my grandparents so that's understandable. This woman is peculiar, and that is one of the many reasons why I love her. The more I talk to her the more sad for her I become. She has worked for the company for over twenty years. She rarely takes vacation, even though she has it available to her. She calls herself stupid, because as a child she was told she was illiterate so she didn't learn a lot of things. Every two weeks, she makes herself sandwiches for work and freezes them. She doesn't cook, she doesn't do math. In nearly eight years, I have never seen her pay with cash.We struggled for a bit when she was forced to do something that wasn't what she was accustomed to. She and I both thought it was because they were trying to force her out because of her age and ability. She told me at the time that she was afraid to stop working and officially retire, because working kept her active and social. She was afraid that if she stopped she would get sick and die. We struggled through those months and made it out on the other side. When I discovered that she was sicker than she was letting on; I told her that she needed to take time off and get better. This funny woman came back to work one week after being in the hospital. Of course with major disagreement from her family.  She was afraid she would not have a job to come back to if she didn't. She thought that actively working would help her recover faster. This made me even more sad.  Luckily, she realized that she needed to take more time for herself to heal. She is a valuable employee and her absence is noticed. I have taken the responsibility of making sure she is taken care of at work. Making sure she had the vacation days her family asked her to take. Helping her do tasks on the computer that were required of her. I was the one that told her she needed to go home. I arranged transportation home for her because she was so sick I didn't want her driving. I even programmed myself into her phone and told her exactly what buttons to push to get me. I happily call myself her personal secretary.  In her twenty years with the company she has never called out sick. She worked the night her husband died. She worked the night her brother died. She worked when her family needed her. Her reasoning was, "Well, there is nothing I can do to change the situation. So I may as well work." I will forever cherish this woman, but this is one thing I can never value. I understand it, but I don't agree.
Work will always be there. If its not the job you currently have, it will be another. We can never get back the moments we miss. Work can't be the only thing that you do. Cherish every moment with your family, and your friends. Take vacation, take an extra day off work. Take time to heal yourself. See the concert you've been dying to see. Visit the city you've always dreamed of visiting. Be apart of the life that continues on when you are busy at work. Pick up a hobby, cook more, read more, travel more. Visit friends and family more, be there for the moments you will wish you hadn't missed. Tell your stories, remember the loved ones you miss. You deserve to have that time. We never know when our time is up. Don't grow old with only stories about work. Hard work is valuable, so of course have stories about work. If we don't take time to nourish our life in other ways how on earth can we have a life worth living and remembering?
 I hope my dear friend is healing and happy. I can't wait for her to come back so I can continue to be apart of her work family. More than that I hope she takes all the time she needs, because she deserves it.

Forgiving. Forgetting. Moving On.

To know me is to know that I have always been the kind of person that could not forget the things that were done and said to me. Even if its not specifics, I have never forgotten the way I felt when they did happen. It has made every day interactions difficult; especially when I see someone from my past. Not long ago in my graduating class' Facebook group, a photo of my 5th grade class surfaced. While it was nice to see the friendships that maintained through the years, it brought back a number of difficult memories. Memories that shouldn't be difficult. My first crush, the ridiculous moments my friends and I fought over, the times that teachers decided they needed to get involved. While I don't call many of those friends from way back then friends still. Its still hard to let go of past hurts. The photo did however bring back cherished memories of the people I do still call friends. I am grateful for them. I'm not sure if its a personality trait of mine to hold on to things, it probably is. Moving forward in life I have to "let go and let God" as they say. I'm honestly trying to be better about the grudges I've held. I'm trying to forget the embarrassing moments. I'm trying to be a better version of myself. While moving on from the past and washing away the pains from then. I need to remember to hold on the important moments and the important people.  I have spent far too much time and energy being bitter towards the people that hurt me. Energy that would have been better spent enriching relationships that were important. Letting toxic people and toxic environments convince me that the important people were just using me. When in reality it was the other way around. I have a few friendships that will never be the same because of the decisions I made, and I regret that. So, the point of all of this is... Forget the unimportant. Remember and build up the important. Forgive yourself and others of past wrong doings. Move on and move forward with those that you choose to keep in your life. In the LGBTQ+ community we are big on creating a chosen family when your given family gives up on you. I have been lucky enough that my given family has never given up on me. So many others are not that lucky. We all get to choose who we keep in our lives. Cut ties with the toxic people in your life. If you can't cut ties, minimize the power they hold over you. I can't say it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Reach out to the people you have wronged, apologize. If they are not willing to receive your apology, move on. They aren't in the same place as you. Everyone moves in their own time. This is my next step in my journey. If you're ready please feel free to join me in moving on.

Representation

In my struggle to find inspiration, I realized I was in a rut. I was stuck living in a town that wasn't living up to my expectations. It probably never will, but that doesn't mean I can't be successful. I was stuck just moving through life without feeling. I survived every day, fake laughing at all the same jokes I'd heard a million times and I can guarantee I'll hear them a million more. "That must mean its free!" "another day, another dollar? yeah right!" You know how it is, I'm sure every job has those jokes. One night after finishing an audio book it struck me. My rut was not that I was stuck. I was lacking in representation. I watch TV that lacked in LGBTQ representation. I read books that fantasized LGBTQ people. Mainstream movies almost never had a gay main character, sure gay side characters. Movies that were accessible were either foreign (which is fine) or not the kind of content I was looking for.  I was struggling to see the everyday people that live and love like me. Before when I would read I had a criteria that I needed to be met so I could fall deep into a book. Rarely did I ever find one that really stuck with me. When looking for a movie to watch, I'm most often pulled towards a horror flick or a romantic comedy. Not what you'd expect of me right? All I've ever wanted was to see someone on the big screen that was like me. Had I been able to see that kind of love when I was growing up; I definitely would be a different person today. Sure, I wouldn't change who I am, but I would change my ideas as to what is "normal". Growing up in a small and very religious community, it was difficult to be true to myself. Every day I had to hide who I was. I walked the halls of my high school hearing kids say that there should be a hunting season for gays. I remember my first crush telling me about her lesbian aunts and how disgusting she thought they were. I remember how devastated I was. I remember the shame I felt when I would get butterflies when she smiled at me. I remember how terribly the gay kids that didn't live in the closet were treated. I had no sanctuary. Sure I tried to use the internet as a sort of sanctuary, but we all know the internet definitely is not a safe space. Not until the day that I finally gave up hiding did I ever feel like I was doing myself justice.  So when the rut hit me I finally admitted to myself that I was still struggling. I took it upon myself to find what I needed and the representation I was so desperately searching for. So after a quick google search I found my people and finally the internet had a safe space for me. I have been loving every minute of reading and listening to books where the main characters are lesbian or bisexual women. They struggle like I do, they love like I do, they struggle like I do. I definitely have to say thank you to the groups of people that have given me a place to call home while I continue to live in a community that loves to "Love the sinner, Hate the sin". It is hard to be optimistic when with every one step forward there are two steps back. Sure we'll get there, but it will take twice as long. Please don't get me wrong, I love where I live, and for the most part, I love my community. I grow and learn each day, and those that are open to it also grow and learn. I am grateful for those people. I eternally grateful for all the lesfic authors, publishers, reviewers, and narrators. You were my lifeline when I needed it. I am especially grateful to all my LGBTQ friends and family that understand these struggles. 

Together we will do more than just survive. We will live.

Inspiration

Every day I struggle to find inspiration. I struggle to find the will to get up each night for work. I struggle to find the will to get out of my warm car into the cold morning air when I get home from work. I struggle to find the will to pause my audio books. I struggle to find reasons in why I can't just do what I need to do to be better. I have skated by on a whim and a prayer all too often. Almost two years ago now, I finished a book that changed my life. Going in to this book I was expecting heartbreak, devastation, and very little faith in the community I live in. I experienced all of those things. The major thing I was not expecting was for this book to impact me in such a way that I finally figured out who I need to become.
I was so wrapped up in this book, that I needed to tell every person I cared about how much it meant to me. When I get so involved in something it is hard for me to tell people what is going on in my head. I tried telling my Wife what this book meant for me and she of course was understanding and very kind. I of course told her of my struggles and she knew just how triggering this book could have been. I could not fully articulate to her what it was that I needed to say. Although, its terribly difficult for me to describe books to her. I always end up telling her she just needs to read it. I then moved on to my Mom, she is always my go-to after Annie. I saw my mom and began to explain to her how powerful this book was for me and she expressed interest in reading it. So of course I loaned it to her. When my Mom finished this book we met back up to talk about it. She told me something she was prompted to do while reading this book. When she told me what she had done, I was finally struck with some inspiration.
When I was simply surviving every day at my darkest moments there were two people who always gave me a glimmer of hope. Those people were teachers. Supportive teachers save lives. I saw a picture while doing some endless scrolling on some sort of social media. The caption for this picture was "Become the person YOU needed." That hit a nerve. I know now with certainty of what I need to do with my life. While I still struggle to find the inspiration I need to go about doing it; I know that without a doubt I need to be that glimmer of hope for a teenager that is struggling like I was.
So here it is! I want to work in education. In order to work in education, I need to get an education. So here begins the hardest part. Holding myself accountable, and doing the work that needs to be done. Join me on the journey friends. We're on it for the long haul.
What sort of inspiration do you need? Is there something I can do to help you find it? Is there an every day task you struggle to find the will to do? Mine is definitely folding the laundry.

Here we are again, Welcome back!

Hello again, my dear old friend. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure this world out on my own, and it hasn't gotten me very far. Here is a reintroduction into my life. I am LuEllen, I am 27, I work in retail, still. I choose to work overnight for my own sanity. I am a lesbian. I am married to the most incredible woman. I define myself as Just LuEllen. For a long time that felt like all I was. Now I know its not, I am so much more. However its going to remain my username because I've grown to love it.  I have lofty goals for myself. I've never been truly sure of what I wanted to be when I grew up and here I am finally with a solid idea of that. I have a couple unsuccessful attempts at higher education. I have spent countless hours soul searching trying to find the meaning of my life, and I am finally feeling a bit at peace. I may not have found my direction, but I am taking my life and 2020 in my hands. That way I can make my way to the outcome I've always been hoping for.

Annie and LuEllen Thanksgiving 2019

 I'm not sure what this will end up being. I don't know if I've thought that far in advance. I'm going to write it out for you now though. I intend to post at least once a week. Whether it will be a book review of my latest read, or something that overwhelms me with the need to post. I plan to keep a journal of my thoughts so I can compose them for you all here in a way that makes sense. Please forgive me in advance, I am not the best with grammar and punctuation. I apologize for any current, and future mistakes. I hope you will forgive me of my run-on sentences.
 As you can see I've left a few posts from the past. I took the time to go through them and decide which were too important to move over to the draft file. A majority of my past posts did not make the cut. I was a moody teenager. I did choose to leave a few that showed my vulnerabilities, and important self realizations. I used to live my life as an open book, now I choose to keep a lot to myself. I feel as though the journey I am on is too important to leave everything out in the open. Please join me on this journey, together we will discover new things. We will remember the past, and learn from it. Hold me accountable and I will do the same for you.