This one may be a little jumbled, I started one, and chose to save it for another day. I'm indecisive and I've got a head cold. So thanks for sticking with me and my ramblings.
Recently I've had some friends and family affected by unexpected hardships. This raised a question when one of them was told to expect and prepare for something no one is ever prepared for. How is it possible to be prepared to have time to solve an issue no one can ever expect to happen?
This is one that I'm not sure I'll ever get answered. I don't want to live in a world where it is expected of me to be prepared for the unexpected. If I'm too busy expecting the unexpected, I'm not truly living. I would rather cherish every moment while I have it.
When hardships fall on us, we should be able to reach out to those that care for us. We should be able to count on our jobs to still be there when we have solved the problem. We go to work when we're sick. When we get there we are shamed for being there, knowing full well that if we hadn't been there we could face punishment or termination. We live in a world where everyone is replaceable. In the blink of an eye our jobs will have been filled. Or they will remain empty and those we've left behind are left to pick up the slack. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I see an injustice, I want to fix it. I want to fight for that person. I want to make it right for them. I'm not so sensitive that I'm easily offended, but I am sensitive enough to know right from wrong. When we laugh at an image online, thinking the person in it will never see us laughing. We excuse our racism, our sexism, as humor or simply "how things used to be". Exactly. That's how things used to be, that is not how things are now. Our world is evolving and we need to evolve along with it, or be left behind.We need to help others along the way. If you see someone struggling, help them or simply be there for them. Life is bigger than you and me. Its all of us and everything that happens everyday all over the world. We need to present in the lives of those we care about. Call your grandparents. Call your parents. Call your siblings. While you still can. Hold your loved ones close when they are affected by tragedy. Do more than just exist in this world. Be a contributing member of society. Help those around you deal with life. Ask for help when you need it. I've always thought the quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world" was a little cliché, but as I've gone on through life I realize it isn't. Change always starts somewhere. Let that change be you.
I am constantly evolving into a better version of myself, I hope that the changes I choose to make make for a better everyday life for my posterity. I used to live for tomorrow, for something better. I can't continue to live for a better tomorrow without changing my today. No one knows for certain what will come of us in the end. It isn't our beginning or our end that matter, its what happens in between.
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Sharing the burden
This one is going to be heavy. So if you're not ready for that I appreciate you making it just this far.
One night a few years ago, I came home from work on my lunch break, as I do every night. This night, I was struck with a deep feeling of sorrow and despair. I was alone. Sitting in my bathroom I had an overwhelming urge to end it all. I felt that if I did no one would care. Work wouldn't notice if I didn't come back. I felt lost and alone.
This wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last time I had this feeling. However this time was far more profound. I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I had no where I belonged. I don't like feeling this way, I just do, and I've managed. I've found ways to bring myself out of the darkness. I've always been different. I've always been proud of being different, but there are times where that just weighs on my soul. Making friends, keeping friends, being present, and participating. In high school I kept myself busy. Every day of the week I always had something to keep myself busy. Whether it was one of the various Drama club productions, or something for the Debate team. I never allowed myself time to get lost in my head. When it would overwhelm me it showed. I would get angry at nothing. I screamed at people that were there for me. I would clam up and not speak to people for hours or days. I allowed myself to get attached to toxic relationships. I let my fears run my life. I let my need for approval rule my life. I have always been afraid that I annoy people, its just been easier to keep to myself. I don't share my struggles with people. I bear the burden on my own until I can no longer handle it. Even then I still feel lost when people try to help.
I don't know a lot about depression and anxiety other than what I've experienced and what I've learned from others. I can see now that I have struggled for a long time, a lot of my behaviors have been signs. The day after this major moment of despair, Annie and I were traveling. I had been short with her, I was still struggling through the aftermath. She turned to me and asked me what was going on. For the first time in my life I was honest about what I was going through. That honesty was freeing. I learned that sharing my burdens makes them manageable. She of course reassured me that I wasn't alone in my struggle. She asked me tough questions about how we could get to the bottom of the issues. What makes this so interesting is that there were no triggers bringing me to this point. It was just my unhealthy thoughts that took over. Thoughts that forced all my happy memories away. That forced me to believe that I was just a burden to everyone in my life.
Some days I still just go through the motions. Other days I become angry with myself for being complacent. I become angry with those around me for things they can not control. I stopped screaming. I learned that it solves nothing. I've been more open to communicating with people through our issues. I've found ways to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay. On the best days I actually live. Those days are becoming more and more frequent.
On my journey, this has been one of the hardest lessons. I hope that by sharing myself with you, dear readers, that you can find a way to free yourself of the burdens that weigh you down. Even if you can't unload all of the burden; I hope that you know you can share your burden. You don't have to do it on your own. There will be difficult days, on those days don't be afraid to reach out to those that care about you. They want you there more than you could ever know. We are stronger together, and together we can get through this.
One night a few years ago, I came home from work on my lunch break, as I do every night. This night, I was struck with a deep feeling of sorrow and despair. I was alone. Sitting in my bathroom I had an overwhelming urge to end it all. I felt that if I did no one would care. Work wouldn't notice if I didn't come back. I felt lost and alone.
This wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last time I had this feeling. However this time was far more profound. I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I had no where I belonged. I don't like feeling this way, I just do, and I've managed. I've found ways to bring myself out of the darkness. I've always been different. I've always been proud of being different, but there are times where that just weighs on my soul. Making friends, keeping friends, being present, and participating. In high school I kept myself busy. Every day of the week I always had something to keep myself busy. Whether it was one of the various Drama club productions, or something for the Debate team. I never allowed myself time to get lost in my head. When it would overwhelm me it showed. I would get angry at nothing. I screamed at people that were there for me. I would clam up and not speak to people for hours or days. I allowed myself to get attached to toxic relationships. I let my fears run my life. I let my need for approval rule my life. I have always been afraid that I annoy people, its just been easier to keep to myself. I don't share my struggles with people. I bear the burden on my own until I can no longer handle it. Even then I still feel lost when people try to help.
I don't know a lot about depression and anxiety other than what I've experienced and what I've learned from others. I can see now that I have struggled for a long time, a lot of my behaviors have been signs. The day after this major moment of despair, Annie and I were traveling. I had been short with her, I was still struggling through the aftermath. She turned to me and asked me what was going on. For the first time in my life I was honest about what I was going through. That honesty was freeing. I learned that sharing my burdens makes them manageable. She of course reassured me that I wasn't alone in my struggle. She asked me tough questions about how we could get to the bottom of the issues. What makes this so interesting is that there were no triggers bringing me to this point. It was just my unhealthy thoughts that took over. Thoughts that forced all my happy memories away. That forced me to believe that I was just a burden to everyone in my life.
Some days I still just go through the motions. Other days I become angry with myself for being complacent. I become angry with those around me for things they can not control. I stopped screaming. I learned that it solves nothing. I've been more open to communicating with people through our issues. I've found ways to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay. On the best days I actually live. Those days are becoming more and more frequent.
On my journey, this has been one of the hardest lessons. I hope that by sharing myself with you, dear readers, that you can find a way to free yourself of the burdens that weigh you down. Even if you can't unload all of the burden; I hope that you know you can share your burden. You don't have to do it on your own. There will be difficult days, on those days don't be afraid to reach out to those that care about you. They want you there more than you could ever know. We are stronger together, and together we can get through this.
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Have Faith
In October of 2018, I decided to end one journey and begin another. I struggled with the decision to end this journey for a long time. I chose to leave the religion I was an official member of for nearly 19 years. The religion I was born into, the religion my family has practiced for generations. I was born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was raised to learn to practice this religion, I was baptized at the age of 8 like so many others. As I grew up, my relationship with this religion became strained because of who I am. I knew what I was taught to believe, but I also knew who I was. Let me tell you, growing up as a gay kid in a church that was so anti-gay was difficult. My mind and heart were constantly pushing back against what I was taught. Many others do not survive this situation so I definitely feel lucky to have made it to the other side. I will always hold pieces of this church dear to me. People often believe that those of us that choose to leave didn't truly believe. That couldn't be more wrong. I had a testimony of the church, a pretty strong one too.Often times I find I still do have a testimony of certain things. I left because being a member would not allow me to be fully true to myself. I stayed through the many difficult conference talks about the immorality of homosexuality. I followed the guidelines that were set out for me. I went to church every Sunday. I attended the youth events every Tuesday. I went to seminary, I was even chosen by my teacher to be the president of our class for the period I was in. I cherished that teacher. He never made me feel like I was less than, for anything. I made it through the Church educational system and graduated. Of course there was always some push back. One year they put me in charge of picking the opening hymn. For a solid 3 months I made the other students sing the same Christmas song EVERY DAY. I hope those students remember that and secretly love that song as much as I still do. I stayed through the new policies towards the children of gay people. I stayed even though I got married and no longer attended.
My struggle with leaving really stemmed from the need to be apart of something bigger than myself. When I finally realized that I didn't need to be counted as a member to still cherish what I was raised to believe. I started the process of having my records removed. I'm quickly coming up on 1 year of post Mormon life. While the year has not been too eventful, I have been slowly learning that having faith is not the same thing as being religious. I have faith in things I cannot see. I believe in a higher power. What that is, I may never know. I have learned that doing good, does not need to be recognized by others. I don't need to stand up in front of a congregation and praise myself for the good things I have done. I don't need to talk of my trials of faith in front of my peers. My struggles are my own. My relationship with God is my own.
Leaving the church was one of the most important parts of the journey I am on.
I have held this quote in my heart since the very first time I heard it. I knew I had to be true to myself to live an authentic life. I lived one foot in and one foot out of the closet for so long. I wasn't ever fully open about myself to anyone. It wasn't fair to me and it definitely wasn't fair to my sweet Annie. I had to take the leap of faith out of the closet. As well as the leap of faith to leave my religion, and hope the people that cared about me would be there to help guide me to where I needed to be. I still struggle to find my place. I think it will always be there in the back of my mind, but it will only take up the space I allow it. I am on a continuous journey of faith.
So have faith in yourself. Have faith in others. Have the strength you need to take the steps you need to be an authentic you.
My struggle with leaving really stemmed from the need to be apart of something bigger than myself. When I finally realized that I didn't need to be counted as a member to still cherish what I was raised to believe. I started the process of having my records removed. I'm quickly coming up on 1 year of post Mormon life. While the year has not been too eventful, I have been slowly learning that having faith is not the same thing as being religious. I have faith in things I cannot see. I believe in a higher power. What that is, I may never know. I have learned that doing good, does not need to be recognized by others. I don't need to stand up in front of a congregation and praise myself for the good things I have done. I don't need to talk of my trials of faith in front of my peers. My struggles are my own. My relationship with God is my own.
Leaving the church was one of the most important parts of the journey I am on.
So have faith in yourself. Have faith in others. Have the strength you need to take the steps you need to be an authentic you.
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Honoring
Last week I wrote about my dear friend, so I thought I'd update you all. She has since returned to work and is doing well. Which makes me very happy. Thanks to all of you that kept her in your thoughts.
This last summer Annie and I were lucky enough to be able to travel to Boston. It was absolutely incredible. It taught us to be better about communication, and to help each other with the things we struggle with. I have to say that the Lyft driver that was completely honest with us about the area we were staying in really was an eye opener. I've lived in the relatively safe cocoon of Southern Utah my entire life. Before this trip, I had only ever traveled with my family. I never saw the dangerous and dirty areas of the places we visited. That, or I was naive and blind to the struggles. I've been lucky to be where I am.
While in Boston, we did our best to navigate public transportation. We had the incredible opportunity to take a walking tour of many historic sites. We stumbled into Kings Chapel at the moment they were going to start the Bell & Bones tour. We got to venture into the 18th century Crypt that lies beneath. As well as to the very top of the chapel to see the beautiful 1816 Revere bell. The largest and "sweetest sounding" bell Paul Revere's foundry ever made. We visited Fenway Park, and watched probably the most boring baseball game I've ever seen. We visited the Boston Tea Party ships and museum. We tasted the teas that the colonies never got the chance to try. We went where everybody knows your name...Cheers. We tried new foods, Annie enjoyed a cold Sam Adams in front of a cold Sam Adams. I don't like beer, but the experience was fun. We were able to go on a whale watching tour. It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. It is one thing I can't wait to be able to do again.
Without even planning it, we ended up in Boston the very weekend of the city's Pride event. Going to Utah's Pride Festival is always one of our favorite trips of the year but last year the Utah Pride event ended up being to close to our Boston trip to be able to attend. So it was a pleasant surprise to be able to be there for Boston Pride. The 2019 Pride season happened to be the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in New York City. While watching the parade we were sobered and humbled by the sight of one specific entry.
This is why I chose to write about this trip. We have to always remember to honor where we came from. Who fought tooth and nail for the abilities we have. For me it is remembering to honor the people that were at the riots. Honoring Edie Windsor who had to fight The Defense of Marriage act in order to claim what was left to her by her late Wife without having to pay an estate tax. Its honoring Jim Obergefell who took on the fight for same sex marriage after marrying his husband in Maryland and finding out their marriage would not be recognized in their home state of Ohio. Eventually winning all of us the freedom to marry. For me it is also honoring my family that was called upon to make new settlements in southern Utah. Its remembering and honoring the lives of the women who gave me my name.
The choices I make in my life are of course my own. No person other than myself can own the mistakes I've made. I personally don't view them as mistakes per say, they are simply missteps on my journey. (Now if you google the definition of misstep you'll get mistake. However, misstep lessens the blow of the word mistake. So don't call me on the definition.)
Going forward on my journey, I'm choosing to find my own way to honor those that paved the way for me. I hope you'll take the time to learn from the people that are still around and find your special way to honor them and the ones we've lost to time.
This last summer Annie and I were lucky enough to be able to travel to Boston. It was absolutely incredible. It taught us to be better about communication, and to help each other with the things we struggle with. I have to say that the Lyft driver that was completely honest with us about the area we were staying in really was an eye opener. I've lived in the relatively safe cocoon of Southern Utah my entire life. Before this trip, I had only ever traveled with my family. I never saw the dangerous and dirty areas of the places we visited. That, or I was naive and blind to the struggles. I've been lucky to be where I am.
While in Boston, we did our best to navigate public transportation. We had the incredible opportunity to take a walking tour of many historic sites. We stumbled into Kings Chapel at the moment they were going to start the Bell & Bones tour. We got to venture into the 18th century Crypt that lies beneath. As well as to the very top of the chapel to see the beautiful 1816 Revere bell. The largest and "sweetest sounding" bell Paul Revere's foundry ever made. We visited Fenway Park, and watched probably the most boring baseball game I've ever seen. We visited the Boston Tea Party ships and museum. We tasted the teas that the colonies never got the chance to try. We went where everybody knows your name...Cheers. We tried new foods, Annie enjoyed a cold Sam Adams in front of a cold Sam Adams. I don't like beer, but the experience was fun. We were able to go on a whale watching tour. It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. It is one thing I can't wait to be able to do again.
Without even planning it, we ended up in Boston the very weekend of the city's Pride event. Going to Utah's Pride Festival is always one of our favorite trips of the year but last year the Utah Pride event ended up being to close to our Boston trip to be able to attend. So it was a pleasant surprise to be able to be there for Boston Pride. The 2019 Pride season happened to be the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in New York City. While watching the parade we were sobered and humbled by the sight of one specific entry.
The choices I make in my life are of course my own. No person other than myself can own the mistakes I've made. I personally don't view them as mistakes per say, they are simply missteps on my journey. (Now if you google the definition of misstep you'll get mistake. However, misstep lessens the blow of the word mistake. So don't call me on the definition.)
Going forward on my journey, I'm choosing to find my own way to honor those that paved the way for me. I hope you'll take the time to learn from the people that are still around and find your special way to honor them and the ones we've lost to time.
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