Well, this is certainly not the day I thought I’d be having. I went to bed last night physically ill over the thought of what was happening. Waking multiple times through the night and seeing new headlines. I’ve been experiencing the stages of grief. I don’t even know where to begin. I was giving people more credit than they were due. In 2016 I was hurt and scared. I thought then, that I’d be better off dead than living in a country ruled by hate. I lived in fear every single day until November 2020. That election was not what I wanted either, but I settled for what I was given. I have lived in a solid red state my entire life, sure I could change that by moving, but I love Utah. I love the natural beauty that surrounds me every day. Every time I considered moving away I reminded myself that people travelled the world just to get the opportunity to see what I get to see every single day. So solid red state it is. Over the last eight years I have experienced so much that I would have missed if I had chosen to take my life that fearful day in 2016. I have also experienced pain, fear, and uncertainty. I am a better person now. This year I began to feel hopeful. I was hopeful that people where better than I had given them credit for eight years ago. I wrote off hateful and disgusting comments hoping that we were better now than we were then. That the majority of people believed as I do that we are better than the hate that has been spewed so freely. I was so hopeful, driving through my community seeing red signs saying Republicans for Harris. I was excited and hopeful. Something I haven’t felt in years. I did not expect to feel so deeply the things I was feeling today. I shed so many tears. Tears for the loss of my hope, tears for my cherished friends who may feel the way I did in 2016. Tears out of anger towards the people that let me down. I have not once today felt that I would be better off being dead. I chose to take care of my mental health. I chose to remove the people I no longer wanted to be friends with or affiliate myself with. I understand, their joy for their win. I do. I have experienced amazing wins in my life that brought me the same type of hope and joy. I simply could not continue living my life surrounded by people who are not likeminded. I have always enjoyed a healthy debate, but I could no longer debate things that make me who I am. This week I’m sad and numb. Next week, I’m pulling myself up by my bootstraps and not giving up. I’m fighting for the future I want to leave behind for the generations that will come after me. I’ve spent far too much time being complacent. While I know I may not be able to do much with my limited time and resources. I will never stop fighting for the queer youth who are afraid, because I was one. I will never stop fighting for my queer elders who fought for me, because I will be one. I am not going to let this loss steal my hope and joy. I will fight for it every day regardless of how scared I may be. Feel and embrace your feelings friends, it makes us better people. We’re going to be okay.
