Press on

I don’t want to keep writing about the horrors that is 2020, but unfortunately not much else is happening. I’ve been hit with struggles I never could have foreseen. I’m doing my absolute best to continue to press on despite the struggles. I have a friend that was once told to expect the unexpected, the unexpected in her life was something no one should ever have to expect. I was angry for her when she told me, I’m still angry for her now. However I’m currently living through a similar situation. How do you prepare financially for something you can’t predict? I’m angry that I wasn’t more prepared.  

I’ll be honest, I live in fear every day. Every day I fear some stupid decision I make will cost me my job. I fear, because I have something to lose. I love my job and I love the people. I also do everything I can to stay in the good graces of the people that matter. Any day that I don’t go above and beyond, I feel guilty for only getting the necessities done. Having worked overnight for so long, leaving a mess for the next shift to clean up is my worst nightmare, sometimes its unavoidable, most of the time its not. If I can hold myself accountable for the outcomes I create, I can hold myself accountable for anything. 

I’ll continue to press on, make every decision with a level head. Unfortunately I’ll continue to live in fear, but that fear makes me better. It makes me be a better employee, a better supervisor, a better decision maker. 

So while I’m afraid, I’m not too afraid to continue. I will overcome these obstacles, I will ask for help when I need it. I will communicate my weaknesses. I will be better because of all that is happening. 

Just a quick one today. It’s hard to keep on writing when life remains stagnant. 

Difficult decisions

Through out this year, and all the difficulties that have come with it I have struggled to find what to write about on a weekly basis. Often I find myself staring at the blank page before me. So for once I’ll just let it pour out, rather than labor over it. 

Annie is still looking for a job. Unfortunately this town has not made it easy. So we’ve been forced to explore options elsewhere. It’s difficult for me because I don’t feel ready to leave, especially since we are barely keeping our heads above water. However if leaving means better opportunities I’ll force myself to be ready. I’m a homebody, and my life has deep roots here. I have experienced my traumas here. I have experienced all of my joy here. I drive through a town full of memories. I have absolutely no idea where 2020 is going to take us, and that scares me. I find it ironic. One of the very first years in my adult life that I have decided to take my life and make what I want of it, and my momentum gets put at a dead stop because of situations I cannot control. I need to take advantage of what is in front of me. I need to start school while I can qualify for more help. I need to use the systems that are put in place to help people that are struggling. If only those systems were easier to use. While I know these things, it makes it even harder to move forward. How do I put myself and my little family in more debt when we have to scrape by in order to survive each month. If I could go back to the beginning of all of this would I have made different choices? Would I have taken a different path? I’m stubborn, and I know it, so I’d probably be in this exact situation. I just can’t help but wonder, that if we had known in March that it was a brain lesion and not vertigo what would have happened. Where would we be now?  I know we will survive this and be better for it. We have experienced so many things this year, and we’re constantly learning from it. 

I never could have seen this coming. We all joke that when asked the question in 2015, where do you see yourself in five years, we never would have expected this. So I’ll ask the question again and do my best to be where I hope to be. 

So friends, with the knowledge of your 2020 struggles and knowing that there is more to come. Where do you see yourself in five years? How are you going to go about making it a reality? 

A halfway point

We’re officially half way through the year. When I picked this journey back up in January, this was not what I expected to happen. I had expected to follow along with plans I had made for myself. I had planned to continue a journey to better myself with education. As 2020 has shown us, nothing can ever be expected. I again paused my journey for education, but this time I know how to restart and where to restart. I never in my life expected to have such difficult moments. I’ve watched as friends and family have had to navigate through some of the hardest things they will ever have to do in their lives. 

I have been on a speeding train constantly missing my stop because the train never stops. Do I work to survive, or do I survive to work?  I think I’ve had my priorities mixed up for a while. I thought that I was working to survive, but last week a case of tonsillitis gave me the chance to pause and reflect. I spent a week at home with Annie. We made meals together, we played so much Animal Crossing, and I got to go to bed every night with her by my side. I knew that being able to do that was a blessing. Tonsillitis gave me the chance I needed to get off that speeding train. I also feel blessed to have been able to go back to work. I got to go back on a different schedule. I have to admit, I was scared and nervous. I still am, but I feel validated in my fear, because I spent so much time working one schedule, with the same routine. I had no idea what to expect. Granted it has only been three days on the new schedule so far, but it has been enjoyable. I like the people, and I definitely like being able to come home at night. It’s going to continue to be a learning experience, and I already miss my friends on the other shift, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to change things up. 

When this year began, I thought I would be on a never ending hustle to better myself. I thought that I would be taking up new experiences, and trying new things. Now, half way through the year, I realize that I of course have been on the never ending hustle, and my new experiences are not what I had planned for but they are in fact new experiences.  When do things ever go according to plan? I am generally a very methodical person. I like to plan out everything before I do it, so I should know very well that things don’t  always happen according to plan but they almost always work out for the better. 

So we’re still working on the journey. I’ve picked an online school and a program. I’m just waiting on a couple more things to fall into place. Of course if they don’t fall into place, I will again have to adjust and move forward, but we’re working on it folks. 

Keep pressing on friends. The struggle may cease, but your hustle to better yourself should never stop.