Pauses

It seems that every week this just gets harder. I can’t help but wonder if I had too high of expectations for this. I live a relatively uneventful life, with current restrictions, that uneventful life has become even more uneventful. They say nothing worth doing is easy. Utah has officially changed the risk level for COVID-19 from high risk to moderate risk. Starting Friday many businesses will begin to reopen. Will life resume as normal? Not likely. I can only hope that this has changed people. That they were forced to re-evaluate just about everything in their lives. 

In late 2019 I had big plans for 2020, I was going to take my life in my hands and do what I needed to do to better myself. I announced those plans, and now 4 very long months in to 2020, not much has changed. I force myself into writing every week and I have begun to dread it. I don’t have new ideas, I haven’t made any progress towards higher education other than looking at online schools and the programs they offer. I’ve looked at brick and mortar schools in my area to see what they could offer me. I’ve gone from wanting to be a high school guidance counselor, to a teacher, to a librarian. I think it remains clear to me that I want to work in education in some way. In what way, I’m still not sure. This year has not become what any of us imagined it would be. I feel for those whose lives have been put on pause. I feel for those that are working themselves to death battling this virus first hand. 

I never wanted this to become the Coronavirus diaries. Who would have thought we’d be where we are today? 

I pray that things will get better soon. Not because I want life to resume, but because the toll this is taking on everyone is dangerous. I want to share happy events with loved ones. I want to be able to celebrate life, I want to be able to honor those we’ve lost in an appropriate manner. I want to see my friends succeed. I want to see those that have been out of work back in their element. I want to have a nice meal in a restaurant  and to leave a really big tip. I want to be safe while doing those things. So yeah, I want to reopen the world, but I don’t want to risk anyone’s safety, because I want everyone right there with me when I can celebrate again. 

I’m putting it into the universe. Next week will be better. Don’t give up on me friends, I’m not giving up on you. We’re stronger together. 

Change is tough

I’ve never been very comfortable with change. I need to ease into things and see how things work. I’m not spontaneous. I never have been. Every decision I make is calculated. I like routine and schedules. Recently unexpected changes have happened in my life that  have thrown a wrench in my plans for life. I’ve found myself under stress I never imagined I’d be under. I’ve found myself angry in ways I haven’t been in years. I left my anger behind when I decided to become better and heal my soul. I of course know some anger is healthy, but the anger I’m experiencing isn’t healthy. It’s damaging. I’m not finding the escapes I once had. I’m just moving through the days rather than experiencing each one. Weeks have gone by and it doesn’t even feel like it. I have spent more time alone than I have in years. I’m not even doing anything productive with my life. I’m just watching everything pass by in a blur. I’m lonely and because of safe social distancing practices, there isn’t anything I can do about it. I’ve spent far too much time scrolling Facebook looking at the same thing day after day. I’ve watched too much TV. I’m not even enjoying my audiobooks as much as I normally do. They’ve just become painful. This blog is my one outlet, and I’m even struggling with that. I’m so ready to resume my routines. I’m ready have life return to normal. So maybe when it is safe to resume life as normal maybe I won’t be quite so isolated as I was before. Maybe I’ll be more social. Maybe I’ll be ready and more willing to be spontaneous. This quarantine is taking its tolls and I don’t have it nearly as bad as people in places that are on strict stay home orders. My heart goes out to those of you that are on strict stay home orders, I can’t even imagine what life must be like for you.  I love you all. Stay safe, we’ll all come out of this a little damaged, and hopefully better people because of it.

Quick thoughts

April 15th, I have very mixed emotions about this date.  Exactly one year ago today I received confirmation that I was no longer a member of the church I was raised in. Leaving the LDS church was a big step for me, and it was one I did not take lightly. I lived through so many changes in the church that hurt me deeply. It was painful to see such hatred come from the people I believed were speaking directly from God. I still have an appreciation for the religion, but in my own journey I realized I didn’t need an organized religion to have a personal relationship with God. So, here’s to the freedom of religion, and my freedom to choose not to be a part of any religion.

Today is also One Boston Day. The 7th anniversary of the bombings at the Boston Marathon. The first time I visited Boston, was a mere 2 months later. The city was still healing. It was quite the experience. I was moved to tears many times in those quick 2 days I spent there with my Mom. Seeing the city come together to heal, with the support of the world was absolutely awe inspiring. While I have only visited now twice, my heart will always be with Boston, the survivors, and the people that were lost that day.

Finish line from the 2013 Boston Marathon

Makeshift memorial

Every day we are forced to adapt and change to keep up with the world. Some days we are forced to make major life changes and some days the changes may be slight. I hope that you can all find the path you need to take to be successful in your lives. I hope that while your path may not be the easiest that you will have the strength to make it through to easier times. If life wasn’t difficult would it really be living? I’ve been struggling to make it through my designated path lately, but that doesn’t mean I’m shutting down and shutting others out. Look for the people offering help and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. If you are traveling your path with ease, try offering a helping hand. We may never know who we save with a simple I’m here for you, and let me know how I can help.
 Right now, even though for the health safety of all of us, we have to remain distant. We are all together in spirit, and we are stronger together. 

Why

Words are my outlet. I’m not a doodler, I don’t even scribble.  Lately I’ve been struggling to find the words that properly express what I’m going through or feeling. My earliest memory of writers block is from the first grade. My teacher asked us to write a poem with words that rhyme with our names. Can you imagine as a 6 year old trying to find real words that rhyme with LuEllen? That was tough. I was in tears. I mean I was in tears a lot as a kid but that’s a story for another day. The teacher ended up calling for my Mom from her own classroom to help me. People have always just called me Lu, so I think that’s what we ended up using because it was easier for my 6 year old brain to figure out rhyming words. I have a unique name. Although what we figured out this recently that Donald Duck’s nephew Louie’s full name was Llewellyn, go figure. I’ve always been proud of my name and where it came from. Lue is a family name and I am proud to share it with them. My great grandma was a Lu, and she was an author among many other amazing things. I’ve always been pulled to writing because of her. I even make it a point to rescue her books every time I see them at thrift stores. I’ve been lucky enough to find personalized inscriptions. I even found a newspaper clipping of her obituary. Searching for her books is one of my favorite hobbies. I always enjoyed visiting my Grandma so she could tell me about her Mama. Living without my Grandma in my life has been hard the last few years since she’s been gone. I miss her. I miss hearing her stories, I wish I had taken the time to write them down then.

Creative writing is difficult for me. My elementary school took part in a program that would turn our stories into books. The first year I was allowed to write my own story for my own book I ended up writing about how mean my Brother was. The good news though, now 20 years later my Brother is one of my best friends. Writing stories has always been difficult for me because I usually end up taking inspiration from something else that I’ve read or seen and I feel like I’m ripping off the original rather than coming up with my own ideas.  I know now that a lot of authors find success writing fan fiction and turning those stories into books of their own. So I’ll give it another shot at some point.

I’ve often found success in writing about my own experiences. In my debate days I often took things from my own life to be able to get my point across. I spent a lot of time one year in high school writing about the varying forms of terrorism. The extremes, and the events you wouldn’t normally expect to be considered as terrorism. I’ve always been very proud of that speech and if I can find it, I’ll share it. When I wrote it my teacher urged me to leave my comfort zone and put things in it about myself that I normally wouldn’t share with anyone I didn’t trust. That speech gave me the push I needed to leave my comfort zone and truly be me.

So why do I write? I write because it gives me the opportunity to compose myself before saying something I shouldn’t when I’m angry. I write because it gives me the outlet to express my true feelings when I’m feeling down. I write because it gives me a chance to go back and read what about things I’ve experienced when I’m having trouble remembering.
I wrote recently that I was having trouble finding the inspiration for my weekly post. I’m still experiencing that, so I took to looking at writing prompts. This was one of the suggestions.

 Here’s hoping things start looking up in the world. I know I’m not the only one struggling to find inspiration for many things these days. I hope you all stay safe and healthy.

We Will Become Silhouettes

I’m struggling. I don’t know what it is, maybe its the people I choose to surround myself with? Doing my best to stay positive in the situation we’re currently in. I’m over the jokes. I’m over the hype about what everyone is watching on Netflix. I’m tired of seeing people speak as though they are the experts on the issues. I’m tired of people shaming others about their habits. The world is going through something most of us have never seen before. Everyone adjusts in their own time. We’ll get there.

Okay that’s enough of that. 

I have a really cool tattoo artist. He’s someone I genuinely enjoy talking to. Every time I see him, he makes a point to ask how my personal progress is going. I appreciate that about him. Last time I saw him, we talked about my writing. He said never delete anything. So now I have drafts that eventually I’ll get back to and decide if I want to share them. 

I think putting the pressure on myself to write weekly has brought me to a point where I don’t feel like I can think critically anymore. I don’t feel creative. My writing journal has sat untouched for weeks. I’m struggling to find something to be excited about. I had a number of events I was really looking forward to that have been postponed. I’ve had events in my personal life that have created difficulties. I’ve even struggled talking to MYSELF about them because I don’t feel rational in the situation. My irrational brain and I are not friends. 

So, I’ve said before that I like to listen to music as I write. Some people might find it distracting but for me its just something to keep my mind occupied. So when I power up the computer or my iPad to get to work, my first step is to open Apple Music and pick a playlist or artist and get to work. If what I initially pick doesn’t help move my brain I pick something else. Today I was inspired to pick The Postal Service and the 10th anniversary edition of their album Give Up. It’s funny how often times the music I choose is indicative of what I write about in the current week. 

The Postal Service Give Up Deluxe 10th Anniversary edition

I hope you’re all doing well. This social distancing is tough, even on us introverts. I hope you’ll take time to check on your friends and family and find something other to talk about than current political events, because for a lot of us this is just draining. Sooner or later our hard work will pay off and we’ll all be able to see the people we miss and the people that inspire us again.