For years I have labeled myself as Just LuEllen. It’s been a while since I decided I was so much more than just LuEllen. Yet here I am again wondering am I really more than that? I don’t know. I do know that I’m filled with self doubt. I don’t start things because I don’t want to fail. I have yet to take my life into my own hands and make what I want out of it. I’m lost in indecision. My key phrase has always been “I don’t know”. So I wonder, do I really not know or do I just not want to give my input? What makes me unique? What makes me stand out from the crowd? I have absolutely no idea. I hate when you’re meeting with a group of new people and the leader suggests that we tell the group three interesting things about ourselves. What do I say when I don’t even find myself interesting? I feel defeated. I thought that maybe if I wrote out my goals for the whole world to see I could hold myself accountable. I’m not currently succeeding, but the world is at a stand still right now, so the only progress I can make has to be small steps. Small steps are better than nothing.
I’m currently drowning in self-doubt. I don’t even know where to go from here. I can feel myself getting caught up in my head and not doing what I need to. See that word up there at the top? It’s Latin for I don’t know. I’m going to spend the week in my head trying to figure this mess out. Thanks for sticking with me.
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Given much
We are living through an incredible time. Over the last few weeks I have witnessed so much gluttony. Working in a grocery store has left me with an interesting perspective on this whole issue. About three weeks ago it started. People were coming through our lines with multiple full carts. Full of canned goods, cleaning supplies and toilet paper. Were they the smart ones who prepared early? Or were they the ones that would keep coming back day after day to buy more? I have no problem with people having what they need for their family in a time of crisis. What I have a problem with is the people who are keeping those essential items and will never use them. The people that will try to return what they purchased so they can pay their bills. The bills they forgot about when they were spending upwards of thousands of dollars at the grocery store.
What we have been told thus far is that grocery stores are essential and will remain open through this pandemic. We have been told there is no shortage of the items we can not keep on our shelves; ie ramen, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, cleaning products, bottled water, and baby needs.
It breaks my heart every day to tell people that actually need an item that we don’t have it available for them to purchase. Seeing the lines of people waiting for toilet paper. Seeing the people take more than they need. For days the groups of people waiting outside our store waiting for us to open has varied.
Out of this pandemic I’ve seen multiple groups online to help the people that cannot help themselves, groups that have people sharing what they need and others that are able to offer what they have. I’ve also seen people turn to greed to then sell single rolls of toilet paper at a much higher cost than what they purchased it for. These kinds of groups really show the caliber of people in our world.
The first day our store closed over night and we were not limiting items to customers, I felt disgusted by humanity. People were upset that we had closed, and yet as soon as the doors opened it was a stampede of people headed straight towards the toilet paper. People were pulling out entire cases of it. Coming to the registers with carts full of supplies. Supplies that greatly outweigh the need for a two week social distancing or quarantine. Seeing these people come through, and then right after seeing the people who only came for necessities or only needed one item and not being able to find it on the shelves. It broke my heart. I had lost faith in humanity. Over the last few days the song from Kenneth Cope and Grace Noll Crowell called Because I Have Been Given Much has been stuck in my head.
Because I have been given much, I too must give. Because of they great bounty, Lord. Each day I live. I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see. Who has the need of help from me. Because I have been sheltered, fed, by thy good care. I cannot see another’s lack, and I not share. My glowing fire, my loaf of bread, my roof’s safe shelter overhead. That he too may be comforted. Because of they life’s mission, Lord, I too will serve. I’ll leave the comfort of my home to teach thy word. I’ll see they sheep who’ve gibe astray and those who’ve never known the way. I will make they work my work today. I shall five love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed. Thus shall my thanks, be thanks indeed.
Now I know everyone isn’t religious, and of course that not every one believes the way I do. I personally don’t identify as a religious person. However this has brought me to a point in my life where I see a need and I personally can’t fill that need for all of those who need it. So if you’ve read this far, here it is. If I have something I can get and you need it, please let me know. I want to help in this difficult time and this is what I can do to help. Please going through this pandemic remember those that cannot get what they need while you are doing your shopping. Leave things on the shelves for others. Practice social distancing, check up on your family and friends that might be struggling. Do what you can to help them. We will make it through this stronger together.
What we have been told thus far is that grocery stores are essential and will remain open through this pandemic. We have been told there is no shortage of the items we can not keep on our shelves; ie ramen, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, cleaning products, bottled water, and baby needs.
It breaks my heart every day to tell people that actually need an item that we don’t have it available for them to purchase. Seeing the lines of people waiting for toilet paper. Seeing the people take more than they need. For days the groups of people waiting outside our store waiting for us to open has varied.
Out of this pandemic I’ve seen multiple groups online to help the people that cannot help themselves, groups that have people sharing what they need and others that are able to offer what they have. I’ve also seen people turn to greed to then sell single rolls of toilet paper at a much higher cost than what they purchased it for. These kinds of groups really show the caliber of people in our world.
The first day our store closed over night and we were not limiting items to customers, I felt disgusted by humanity. People were upset that we had closed, and yet as soon as the doors opened it was a stampede of people headed straight towards the toilet paper. People were pulling out entire cases of it. Coming to the registers with carts full of supplies. Supplies that greatly outweigh the need for a two week social distancing or quarantine. Seeing these people come through, and then right after seeing the people who only came for necessities or only needed one item and not being able to find it on the shelves. It broke my heart. I had lost faith in humanity. Over the last few days the song from Kenneth Cope and Grace Noll Crowell called Because I Have Been Given Much has been stuck in my head.
Because I have been given much, I too must give. Because of they great bounty, Lord. Each day I live. I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see. Who has the need of help from me. Because I have been sheltered, fed, by thy good care. I cannot see another’s lack, and I not share. My glowing fire, my loaf of bread, my roof’s safe shelter overhead. That he too may be comforted. Because of they life’s mission, Lord, I too will serve. I’ll leave the comfort of my home to teach thy word. I’ll see they sheep who’ve gibe astray and those who’ve never known the way. I will make they work my work today. I shall five love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed. Thus shall my thanks, be thanks indeed.
Now I know everyone isn’t religious, and of course that not every one believes the way I do. I personally don’t identify as a religious person. However this has brought me to a point in my life where I see a need and I personally can’t fill that need for all of those who need it. So if you’ve read this far, here it is. If I have something I can get and you need it, please let me know. I want to help in this difficult time and this is what I can do to help. Please going through this pandemic remember those that cannot get what they need while you are doing your shopping. Leave things on the shelves for others. Practice social distancing, check up on your family and friends that might be struggling. Do what you can to help them. We will make it through this stronger together.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Diana Ross. If you know, you know.
Here we are, just about mid-march, and I've told you about who I am, but not how I came to become who I am. My blog is all about a journey, and I haven't shared my coming out journey. So I figured I'd better.
I was in the 4th grade when I developed my first crush on another girl. I know I thought nothing of it then, and that I didn't think it wasn't normal. I was definitely too young to understand what a lesbian was. Occasionally I'll still see this girl or her family around town and oddly enough I feel shame and embarrassment about said crush. Silly to think that its almost been 20 years since then and I still feel awkward around her. Probably because she was one of my best friends and we most definitely drifted apart. I don't know if something happened and I blocked it out or what, but I do know that I don't want to know what it was that caused us to drift. Fast forward a few years, I was about to start high school and felt a strong need to reinvent myself. I was too old to play softball for the city youth league, and I didn't feel like I was skilled enough to play for the high school. I didn't want to experience the heartbreak of trying out and not making the team. Although I did try out a few years later and was too afraid to even check to see the team list. So I reinvented myself. The transition from middle school to high school was strange. I was technically a freshman, but freshman were still in the middle school. So I one day near the beginning of the year I saw a flyer for the Shakespeare team. I decided to try out. I ended up being cast in a trio scene with a couple other girls that was going to be coached by some of the older high school students. I absolutely loved every minute of it. I made lifelong friends out of the high school kids that coached me. We went to the high school Shakespeare competition and my trio scene ended up taking first place. I was ecstatic. Shakespeare, and those friends I made were the breath of fresh air I was searching for. I had to find a way to be around it more often. So in order to be around the people that helped change me I joined the debate team. it was there that I started to discover who I truly was. I was enlightened on subjects I never could have dreamed of. I started to explore my identity.
Through out high school I was in two actual relationships with people. Looking back, one taught me to fight for what I wanted, and the other, well, lets just say while I was becoming more comfortable with my reality, I lost big pieces of myself I'm still trying to get back. I am however grateful for those experiences, and I always will be. Once I left high school I thought I had it all figured out, I knew who I wanted to be and I knew what I needed to do to achieve that. When I got to college, I was not shy about who I was. Everyone knew the person I wanted to be known as. That alone was one of my biggest struggles. I made lifelong friends there as well, but being me and being out was difficult. Life was easier living in the closet. I went home, and went back in the closet. As seen in last weeks post, that was also a struggle.
Fast forward again. I had been working at Walmart for about 6 months. Someone I had connected with online was looking for a job, and I chose to help her join the overnight maintenance crew. She was out, and married. One of the first few weeks she was there, I mentioned to one of my now very good friends that she was a lesbian. He said, "oh, that's cool." I said, well good, I am too, and that was that.
I was out at work, but I wasn't out at home. Home was also a struggle. I decided to move out and try my hand at that. I did and was still very lonely. I thought that the person I moved in with was going to be my outlet to the world, but it turns out she had other priorities in her life that didn't mean hanging out with me. I only lasted there about two months. My brother had also just recently moved out on his own, and had an extra bedroom. Moving in with him was one of the best experiences of my life. I had never really been that close to him, and us sharing a home together brought us much closer. I actually still live in that place and share it now with Annie. When I moved out of my parents home I decided to finally put myself out there and try to date as an adult. I had an unsuccessful fling, and was struggling once again. One night I happened to open my Zoosk app and there was a message waiting for me. All it said was, I think you're cute, you should text me some time. Well that was that. I started talking to Annie. I made it known to her that I wasn't interested in dating just to date, that I was looking for someone to spend my life with. Well we all know how that one turned out. About 6 months into our relationship Annie started coming around my parents house with me, going to family dinners. 6 months later I proposed, all without telling my parents that we were together. Shortly after she moved in with us, and that was the unofficial, official coming out. A few months later, my Mom, Annie and I were driving to pick up dinner. I decided to drop the big bomb on my mom and tell her that we had decided to get married and asked her what she was doing on a specific date.
That was that I had officially ousted myself from the closet, and I have been living out and proud ever since. I even wear this pin on my vest at work. I am proud to be who I am and I want everyone to know it.
I was in the 4th grade when I developed my first crush on another girl. I know I thought nothing of it then, and that I didn't think it wasn't normal. I was definitely too young to understand what a lesbian was. Occasionally I'll still see this girl or her family around town and oddly enough I feel shame and embarrassment about said crush. Silly to think that its almost been 20 years since then and I still feel awkward around her. Probably because she was one of my best friends and we most definitely drifted apart. I don't know if something happened and I blocked it out or what, but I do know that I don't want to know what it was that caused us to drift. Fast forward a few years, I was about to start high school and felt a strong need to reinvent myself. I was too old to play softball for the city youth league, and I didn't feel like I was skilled enough to play for the high school. I didn't want to experience the heartbreak of trying out and not making the team. Although I did try out a few years later and was too afraid to even check to see the team list. So I reinvented myself. The transition from middle school to high school was strange. I was technically a freshman, but freshman were still in the middle school. So I one day near the beginning of the year I saw a flyer for the Shakespeare team. I decided to try out. I ended up being cast in a trio scene with a couple other girls that was going to be coached by some of the older high school students. I absolutely loved every minute of it. I made lifelong friends out of the high school kids that coached me. We went to the high school Shakespeare competition and my trio scene ended up taking first place. I was ecstatic. Shakespeare, and those friends I made were the breath of fresh air I was searching for. I had to find a way to be around it more often. So in order to be around the people that helped change me I joined the debate team. it was there that I started to discover who I truly was. I was enlightened on subjects I never could have dreamed of. I started to explore my identity.
Through out high school I was in two actual relationships with people. Looking back, one taught me to fight for what I wanted, and the other, well, lets just say while I was becoming more comfortable with my reality, I lost big pieces of myself I'm still trying to get back. I am however grateful for those experiences, and I always will be. Once I left high school I thought I had it all figured out, I knew who I wanted to be and I knew what I needed to do to achieve that. When I got to college, I was not shy about who I was. Everyone knew the person I wanted to be known as. That alone was one of my biggest struggles. I made lifelong friends there as well, but being me and being out was difficult. Life was easier living in the closet. I went home, and went back in the closet. As seen in last weeks post, that was also a struggle.
Fast forward again. I had been working at Walmart for about 6 months. Someone I had connected with online was looking for a job, and I chose to help her join the overnight maintenance crew. She was out, and married. One of the first few weeks she was there, I mentioned to one of my now very good friends that she was a lesbian. He said, "oh, that's cool." I said, well good, I am too, and that was that.
I was out at work, but I wasn't out at home. Home was also a struggle. I decided to move out and try my hand at that. I did and was still very lonely. I thought that the person I moved in with was going to be my outlet to the world, but it turns out she had other priorities in her life that didn't mean hanging out with me. I only lasted there about two months. My brother had also just recently moved out on his own, and had an extra bedroom. Moving in with him was one of the best experiences of my life. I had never really been that close to him, and us sharing a home together brought us much closer. I actually still live in that place and share it now with Annie. When I moved out of my parents home I decided to finally put myself out there and try to date as an adult. I had an unsuccessful fling, and was struggling once again. One night I happened to open my Zoosk app and there was a message waiting for me. All it said was, I think you're cute, you should text me some time. Well that was that. I started talking to Annie. I made it known to her that I wasn't interested in dating just to date, that I was looking for someone to spend my life with. Well we all know how that one turned out. About 6 months into our relationship Annie started coming around my parents house with me, going to family dinners. 6 months later I proposed, all without telling my parents that we were together. Shortly after she moved in with us, and that was the unofficial, official coming out. A few months later, my Mom, Annie and I were driving to pick up dinner. I decided to drop the big bomb on my mom and tell her that we had decided to get married and asked her what she was doing on a specific date.
That was that I had officially ousted myself from the closet, and I have been living out and proud ever since. I even wear this pin on my vest at work. I am proud to be who I am and I want everyone to know it.
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
Patience
I'm not really a very social person. I struggle to be a good friend because I would rather spend all my time with my family. I think its a result of being so alone for so long. When I left Weber State University, I left friends I had quickly grown to cherish. People I spent every day and every night with. College was hard for me because it was truly the first time I was allowing myself to be me. I would stay up way too late, or all night. I couldn't grasp the subjects I was studying. I couldn't keep myself awake in class even when I did go to bed at a reasonable hour. I could not get math to stick. I still can't get math to stick. I had my heart broken. I had a moment where I felt betrayed by my family. It was discouraging. I left after one semester. When I returned home I vowed to get a job and get in gear and get my future figured out. I applied for every job I could to no avail. No where would give me a chance. My parents started paying me ridiculous amounts to do errands for them. I drove my brother back and forth to his wound clinic appointments for months. Finally my wonderful friend Jolene, saw I was struggling and gave me the opportunity to do some work around her house. I cleared her yard of weeds, I installed blinds, I painted, I pulled plants out she was allergic to, I hunted spiders. The day I finished and had recruited my family to help haul the debris to the mulch yard, we stopped for lunch at a new restaurant in town. My Dad told me to fill out an application. He knew the owners. They gave me an interview. I unknowingly showed up an hour early. I suppose that gave them a good impression and they hired me. I worked there for about a year. It was a wonderful experience but it was time for me to move on. My very last day there was also my first day at Walmart. I am quickly coming up on my eight year anniversary with Walmart. The first few years I told myself every holiday season that I would not be spending the next Thanksgiving there. I was going to move on. I then tried school again. It wasn't easy with my work schedule to balance school and work. It still won't be easy to balance, but I'm different now. I am more devoted to finding who I want to be. Then I was just existing in my every day life. I had no one counting on me except for me. I've always hated running in to people I once knew at work, because this was not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the person making changes in our world. I wanted to be someone important. Now I'm much happier being important to someone. I'm still struggling to find inspiration as to what to study, and what career path I want to go down. All I know is that I want to be able to give someone the hope that my friend Jolene gave me. I was spiraling when she reached out to me.
I have realized now how many relationships I have lost because I was so involved in surviving. I'm ready now to be a better friend, a better companion, a better sibling. I probably will still cherish my family time over my time with friends, but I'm ready to give those relationships another shot.
Maybe the people I want to see this never will, but I'm going to say it anyways.
Hey! I care about you and I will always want to be your friend no matter what. Don't forget that I'll be here for you when you need me!
Here we are just another day on the journey. Sooner or later I'll find that inspiration and be where I want to be, but for now I'll just be patient and do the every day work to keep on that goal.
Maybe the people I want to see this never will, but I'm going to say it anyways.
Hey! I care about you and I will always want to be your friend no matter what. Don't forget that I'll be here for you when you need me!
Here we are just another day on the journey. Sooner or later I'll find that inspiration and be where I want to be, but for now I'll just be patient and do the every day work to keep on that goal.
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