What I'm too afraid to say...

...but not too afraid to post for the World Wide Web to see. I haven't moved on because I'm afraid to. I'm afraid no one will love me like you did. I'm afraid I'm not worthy of love. I'm afraid that no one will see what you saw in me. I'm afraid I'll be judged because I'm not the perfect ten that I felt like I was to you even if I wasn't. I'm afraid I don't know how to love like that again. I'm afraid that all I will be good for is someone's friend. When we were together you were more than just my girlfriend, you were my lover, my best friend, and someone I could tell everything to. I haven't moved on yet because there is no one in this rotten old town capable of filling your shoes. I've known for a while now that I'll never be able to call you mine again, but I've wished I could. Even for just one more day. I pour my heart and soul into this blog every so often because I know it isn't capable of hurting me. Sure it could fall into the wrong hands like it has done before, but this is the only place worth my trust.

Exactly two years later...

With that title you'd think I went on a church mission! NO WAY! A mission is definitely not in the stars for me! Exactly two years later I am still single, and where am I today? Sitting in the exact place I was when I wrote the blog about saying goodbye to her.  Interesting how much time can pass and so little changes. I honestly believe I've come to terms with the fact that she never wants to be with me again and that I should, and need to move on. So as we can see I've made very little progress.  I went on one not really a date, made some moves in the right direction with a completely different girl than the not so date. Those moves fell short though. Guess that's what I get for being in this small town. Girls don't come out of the closet here. Why, I'll never know. Guess I moved a little faster than what she was ready for, and of course some stuff happened in her personal life that made things difficult for her. Although I've made known to her that I'm still here and still available when she's ready.  So maybe eventually. I'm in no hurry I so don't want to screw anything up with any potential partner. While I'm not patient, and SO ready to settle down you can't climb the ladder without using the rungs. :) So for now I'll just continue to be me, and maybe someone else or that girl will come around in time. 

It's been a long time coming.

I feel so old. I feel like I have an old soul. I'm only 20 years old and I'm ready to settle down. I guess I caused enough chaos in my teens that I just don't feel the need to date much at all or any for that matter considering its been so damn long since I've actually been on a real date. However I want to settle down and be in a committed relationship. Live somewhere that isn't my parents house, have a job that means something, and have the life I've always dreamed of. I guess all that has gone on in the last year has made me do a lot of growing up. So much so that I want to skip all the necessary steps to get to the place I actually want to be. I know full well that that isn't possible at all. I still haven't fully come out of the closet yet, and that definitely HAS to happen I don't like to live my life in secret. Coming out is just about the only option there is. It isn't easy meeting girls when you can't broadcast to the world over Facebook that you're single and interested in the same sex. Especially in southern Utah. I know most people already know who I am, but you know what they say! It isn't official until its on Facebook :) so maybe that's my next goal, officially coming out of the damn closet. I mean the whole point of this stupid blog was for me to figure out myself and become the me I've always wanted to be. I'll forever be on the journey, the journey for a better life.