Press on

I don’t want to keep writing about the horrors that is 2020, but unfortunately not much else is happening. I’ve been hit with struggles I never could have foreseen. I’m doing my absolute best to continue to press on despite the struggles. I have a friend that was once told to expect the unexpected, the unexpected in her life was something no one should ever have to expect. I was angry for her when she told me, I’m still angry for her now. However I’m currently living through a similar situation. How do you prepare financially for something you can’t predict? I’m angry that I wasn’t more prepared.  

I’ll be honest, I live in fear every day. Every day I fear some stupid decision I make will cost me my job. I fear, because I have something to lose. I love my job and I love the people. I also do everything I can to stay in the good graces of the people that matter. Any day that I don’t go above and beyond, I feel guilty for only getting the necessities done. Having worked overnight for so long, leaving a mess for the next shift to clean up is my worst nightmare, sometimes its unavoidable, most of the time its not. If I can hold myself accountable for the outcomes I create, I can hold myself accountable for anything. 

I’ll continue to press on, make every decision with a level head. Unfortunately I’ll continue to live in fear, but that fear makes me better. It makes me be a better employee, a better supervisor, a better decision maker. 

So while I’m afraid, I’m not too afraid to continue. I will overcome these obstacles, I will ask for help when I need it. I will communicate my weaknesses. I will be better because of all that is happening. 

Just a quick one today. It’s hard to keep on writing when life remains stagnant. 

Difficult decisions

Through out this year, and all the difficulties that have come with it I have struggled to find what to write about on a weekly basis. Often I find myself staring at the blank page before me. So for once I’ll just let it pour out, rather than labor over it. 

Annie is still looking for a job. Unfortunately this town has not made it easy. So we’ve been forced to explore options elsewhere. It’s difficult for me because I don’t feel ready to leave, especially since we are barely keeping our heads above water. However if leaving means better opportunities I’ll force myself to be ready. I’m a homebody, and my life has deep roots here. I have experienced my traumas here. I have experienced all of my joy here. I drive through a town full of memories. I have absolutely no idea where 2020 is going to take us, and that scares me. I find it ironic. One of the very first years in my adult life that I have decided to take my life and make what I want of it, and my momentum gets put at a dead stop because of situations I cannot control. I need to take advantage of what is in front of me. I need to start school while I can qualify for more help. I need to use the systems that are put in place to help people that are struggling. If only those systems were easier to use. While I know these things, it makes it even harder to move forward. How do I put myself and my little family in more debt when we have to scrape by in order to survive each month. If I could go back to the beginning of all of this would I have made different choices? Would I have taken a different path? I’m stubborn, and I know it, so I’d probably be in this exact situation. I just can’t help but wonder, that if we had known in March that it was a brain lesion and not vertigo what would have happened. Where would we be now?  I know we will survive this and be better for it. We have experienced so many things this year, and we’re constantly learning from it. 

I never could have seen this coming. We all joke that when asked the question in 2015, where do you see yourself in five years, we never would have expected this. So I’ll ask the question again and do my best to be where I hope to be. 

So friends, with the knowledge of your 2020 struggles and knowing that there is more to come. Where do you see yourself in five years? How are you going to go about making it a reality? 

A halfway point

We’re officially half way through the year. When I picked this journey back up in January, this was not what I expected to happen. I had expected to follow along with plans I had made for myself. I had planned to continue a journey to better myself with education. As 2020 has shown us, nothing can ever be expected. I again paused my journey for education, but this time I know how to restart and where to restart. I never in my life expected to have such difficult moments. I’ve watched as friends and family have had to navigate through some of the hardest things they will ever have to do in their lives. 

I have been on a speeding train constantly missing my stop because the train never stops. Do I work to survive, or do I survive to work?  I think I’ve had my priorities mixed up for a while. I thought that I was working to survive, but last week a case of tonsillitis gave me the chance to pause and reflect. I spent a week at home with Annie. We made meals together, we played so much Animal Crossing, and I got to go to bed every night with her by my side. I knew that being able to do that was a blessing. Tonsillitis gave me the chance I needed to get off that speeding train. I also feel blessed to have been able to go back to work. I got to go back on a different schedule. I have to admit, I was scared and nervous. I still am, but I feel validated in my fear, because I spent so much time working one schedule, with the same routine. I had no idea what to expect. Granted it has only been three days on the new schedule so far, but it has been enjoyable. I like the people, and I definitely like being able to come home at night. It’s going to continue to be a learning experience, and I already miss my friends on the other shift, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to change things up. 

When this year began, I thought I would be on a never ending hustle to better myself. I thought that I would be taking up new experiences, and trying new things. Now, half way through the year, I realize that I of course have been on the never ending hustle, and my new experiences are not what I had planned for but they are in fact new experiences.  When do things ever go according to plan? I am generally a very methodical person. I like to plan out everything before I do it, so I should know very well that things don’t  always happen according to plan but they almost always work out for the better. 

So we’re still working on the journey. I’ve picked an online school and a program. I’m just waiting on a couple more things to fall into place. Of course if they don’t fall into place, I will again have to adjust and move forward, but we’re working on it folks. 

Keep pressing on friends. The struggle may cease, but your hustle to better yourself should never stop. 

History was made

June 26th happens to be one of my favorite days, so I purposely pushed this weeks blog back. Well, kind of anyways. Planned to write yesterday but more pressing matters came up and that took my attention. 

On this day in 2015 the Supreme Court struck down all remaining states bans on Same Sex Marriage, legalizing marriage equality across all 50 states. So Happy Anniversary to the many many people who got to FINALLY marry the love of their lives. 

On this day in 2013 the Supreme Court struck down section 3 of the Defense of Marriage act, which prevented the Federal Government from recognizing Same Sex Marriage. Also in 2013, the Supreme Court came to a decision in the Case of U.S. vs Windsor. Edie Windsor Was charged an inheritance tax on the estate of her late wife, which would not have been the case if her spouse had been a Man. The court ruled in her favor. Another instance of marriage equality on this day. In 2013 the High Court declined to review a lower courts ruling that invalidated California’s Proposition 8. 

So, Happy Pride month. These historic rulings are just one of the reasons why June 26th is one of my favorite days. 

Let me take you back to my experience 5 years ago... Annie was at work, I was watching the news in our little apartment. When the decisions came I celebrated by myself and texted Annie, and celebrated the news on twitter, while I was busy being distracted, I received a text message from my Mom.

Let me give you a little back story here. Prior to this day, my Mom and I never really talked about Marriage equality, she knew I was a lesbian, but we never really spoke about it. She knew that Annie lived with my brother and I but other than that we really didn’t discuss it. There is just a long long story that goes here, but its one I like to keep to myself and my loved ones. Maybe someday dear readers. So back to the story. 

I didn’t see my Mom’s text right away, so she called. She was in Philadelphia at the constitution center. She asked if I saw her message, she told me about her trip, and told me of all the rainbows and celebrations beginning to form. It was amazing, and arguably the best phone call I’ve ever taken. 

This day is historic for many, but for me it is one of the most important days in my life. It opened up the discussion of wedding planning. It was one of the first days I truly felt loved and accepted by my family. I always knew their love was there, but it never felt like it was an open and honest love. I felt shame leading up to this day. Shame that was absolutely debilitating. I hold no grudges and place no blame on others, because that shame belonged to me alone. I am so grateful for my own personal growth and the growth of my loved ones that have helped me overcome this shame. I’m grateful to the woman from my parents church, who recognized me in Walmart with Annie, and saw me drop her hand. I’m grateful that she made a point then to come talk to me and ask me to introduce her. I’m grateful for the love others have provided me that has made my personal growth much easier. One day I will get the opportunity to thank that woman in person, but for now, I’ll settle with this. I’m grateful for the youth leaders during my formative years that took the time to get to know me and love me. I’m grateful to still get to experience their love today and every day. 

While the day I married Annie reigns supreme as the best day of my life. June 26th 2015 runs a close second. Thank you all for being a part of my journey. Thank you for being the teachers, the listening ears, the readers I need. I am beyond grateful. 

Happy Pride

It’s June, my favorite month. My birthday, the start of Summer, and Pride month. As we all know by now, I live in Southern Utah. The pride community here is still growing. I am 100 percent willing to admit that I have never participated in any of the events that go on around town. It hasn’t felt like the community I needed. When events first started happening, I didn’t feel safe to attend. Now, I don’t attend because the time and place are rarely ever convenient for me. I don’t know a lot of other people in the LGBTQ+ community in my area, but that’s because I just don’t get out much. In my out life I have never purposely hidden who I am. I proudly wear a rainbow pin on my vest at work. I no longer change names and pronouns to make other people comfortable. Why should I have to? I am proud of who I am and I never want others around me to think that I’m ashamed. Unfortunately there are so many people that are ashamed. Why have we as a society belittled people to the point of living double lives? Why can’t we provide the resources of support for people who need it? I was lucky enough to meet Annie on a dating site, and I am so blessed. I feel so deeply for the people who are lost and have no idea where to turn to find someone to love, someone to just be friends with, someone with similar interests.  Where do you turn when your interests don’t fall in line with the interests of the majority of the community? I have no idea how people find other people to date in this community. I feel out of touch with my community, and that’s my fault. I’m going to work on being better. I want to be a supportive member, ally, and friend. When I was lost and looking for community I was forced online because there wasn’t an advertised local community. I am so grateful for the community I found there. I am grateful for the ever evolving communities of support I have been able to find online. Every coming out journey is unique, from the reactions of family and friends, to the resources available, to the spiritual or religious journey someone may be on. 

My journey is ever evolving and it is currently guiding me to the places I need to be to be a better member of my own local pride community.  I would greatly appreciate any resources you might have to help me in this journey so I can help those around me better. 

Happy Pride. I hope you all stay safe, and healthy. I also hope you’ll find ways you can help those around you. Pride is more than just a big party. It’s the coming together of communities to support those who need it. For me its always the reminder that I matter, that I am loved, and that I am needed. 

E Pluribus Unum

I’m torn. Last week, I had decided what I would write about this week. I thought about it all week. Yesterday I sat down to write and I just lost the drive behind what I had chosen to write about. I did spend a good amount of time researching, and learning about my history. It’s been fantastic. I learned that I had an ancestor that came to America in 1640, for what reason, I’m not sure. From there I was able to trace the lineage down to me, and see the places they had been before we ended up where we are now. It’s tough to choose which person on the tree to follow. With some people there is a lot of information available, and with others, not so much. For many of us we know that our lineage did not originate in the Americas. We know that we came from somewhere else at some point in history. On the great seal of the United States of America there is a phrase in Latin that has always stuck with me. That is E Pluribus Unum. Which translates to out of many, one. We created this nation with people from all different walks of life, and it is those differences that make us better. We could not be who we are today without them. 

So, in school I was taught that America is a melting pot. Where different nationalities, cultures and ethnicities are fused into one. I can see the reasoning behind that, when it originated, people from all over had to come together to make a successful nation. Now however America is more of a salad bowl, where different cultures mix but still remain distinct. We shouldn’t have to melt ourselves down to fit the mold of  the United States. The mold should change and adapt with our cultures. We should embrace and cherish our differences. We should know our history. We should learn from it, and be better because of it. I want to raise children in a diverse nation, where they can be taught about all of the people it took to make this country what it is. I want them to know all that they can about their lineage. I want them to know about the choices their ancestors made, good or bad and choose to be better because of it. I want to raise children that will fight the injustices they see and stand together as fight to make positive changes. We can be better, and make better for our future generations. Much like so many of our ancestors did for us. 

So again, I’m torn. I have wanted to write about this for months. I wasn’t able to articulate exactly what I wanted to say. I’ve started and stopped many times, and still I’m not 100 percent satisfied, but its all in the process. 

My challenge for you at this step in the journey is to know where you came from, and take the time to teach someone else about it. I personally would love to be apart of your continuing journey, and I would especially love to learn about your past. 

 Embrace the journey that came before, and make the continuing journey better for those that come after.

The journey is paused

No major post this week. I’m going to take the time to educate myself on the systemic oppression of Black people through out the world. I urge you to do the same. 

I do however want to take some time to say thank you to all of you who kept Annie and I in your prayers the last few weeks. We appreciate it.  I’ll be back next week with new thoughts. 

Update

As with everything in life there are diversions from the path. Who would have thought that we would be here right now. 

Last week I wrote about the medical issues and the consequences of it that Annie was experiencing. That evening, Annie started experiencing new symptoms, we assumed it was stress related and anxiety. Those symptoms progressed over the weekend and by Monday they were very concerning. She was experiencing loss of function of her right hand and her speech would become slurred. It was not constant, but intermittently through out the day. I asked her to schedule a Dr. on Demand call after we spoke about it. The Doctor suggested based on her symptoms that she go get checked out by the local ER. We didn’t want to be a clog in the system there so we checked with the Instacare first. They also suggested a visit to the ER. So off she went. She was given a note by Instacare to be seen right away at the Emergency room. There they sent her off for an MRI and a Lumbar puncture and admitted her to the Neurology floor of the hospital. I had worked the night before and Annie was gracious enough to let me get some sleep. So I am very thankful for her mom for taking her and keeping me updated through out the process. 

Annie says MRIs are not fun, and she would never recommend a lumbar puncture to anyone. 

Early Tuesday morning they took her down for another MRI to look at her neck and spine.  Her MRI showed a lesion on her cerebellum.  Which is the part of the brain that affects balance, speech, coordination, and eye coordination. 

This lesion is likely the cause of her vertigo symptoms, when speaking with the neurologist about the vertigo she said, well its easy to assume that when something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it is probably a duck. When we visited the ER in March for her dizziness, she was not showing signs of something more. So it was easy to diagnose Vertigo. It was when she started to develop signs of a stroke that everyone became more concerned. Who would have thought that those symptoms would take two months to develop. 

So here we are now. She has been discharged from the hospital, and we are waiting for some final results. She’s receiving high dose steroids for the lesion on her brain, and getting those steroids via IV in the infusion clinic. 

So friends, please pay attention to what all your symptoms are, keep a record of what is happening. You may never know for certain that what you’re experiencing is all that is going on. I’m very grateful that I have been taught to recognize a stroke, I am grateful this didn’t end up being one. I am grateful for my managers at work for being so understanding. I am grateful for Annie’s mom for being there for her and for me through out this. I am grateful for my Mom for getting me out of there for a few minutes and getting me out of that headspace. The last three days have been some of the longest of my life. I have been beyond scared. I don’t recommend this experience to anyone, but I am thankful to have experienced it so I know how to handle this in the future if I witness it or experience it again. 

 

An overview of the last two months in our lives

My wife was fired from her job because she was unable to meet with the medical professionals her job required of her during a global health crisis. 

So let me take you back and with her permission, give you the details I’ve been withholding for the last two months during my struggles to write. 

In early march, the COVID-19 craziness officially hit Utah, closing all restaurants and cancelling all events that would be gatherings of 50 or more people, and the LDS church stopped all weekly meetings. The stress was monumental, both at my job and Annie’s. My job was just insanely busy with people of course buying all the canned foods and toilet paper. With Annie’s job as a Funeral Director, she was tasked with making sure they were following all guidelines set out by the government with all current and future services she planned. The stress of it was monumental. 

On Wednesday March 18th, Annie woke early with severe dizziness and nausea. She called and asked me to hurry home from work. I recognized the symptoms she was describing as vertigo. Having known a little bit about it, I decided to take her to a chiropractor to have her upper back and ears adjusted. While there was a little relief it didn’t help much. She spent the rest of the day being unable to keep any food or water down. I had her sleep in our recliner that night to restrict her movements and keep her head upright. She woke up that on the 19th with still no relief. I made the decision to take her to the emergency room to get her hydrated and hopefully get some answers. She finally saw some relief from the dizziness and nausea with the medications they prescribed. The ER doctor told her she was not to drive until 1 week after the dizziness subsided. She immediately called work and let them know what was going on.  I took that Friday off work to continue to care for her.  On Monday March 23rd, she had an appointment with a nurse practitioner at Hurricane family clinic in Hurricane Utah. There she was given more information about Vertigo (BPPV). The nurse practitioner gave her a link to a youtube video of a maneuver that “should” help. She continued to do it on her own until she realized it wasn’t helping. The NP at the clinic told her the methods we were using up to that point were not the correct methods of treating BPPV. We decided to reach out to some friends to see what helped them with their vertigo, at their suggestions we made an appointment with Troy Gubler, at Gubler’s Physical Therapy in Hurricane. For the first time that week she felt some relief and comfort from a medical professional is trained to help with these issues. She again called her employer to keep them updated on her issues and see what they needed from her in this situation.  She continued to do the maneuvers at home to continue her recovery. She was  beginning to feel better, but we hit another wall. She wasn’t feeling like the maneuvers were working so we made another appointment with Troy. At that appointment on the 8th of April, Troy reassured her that she was making progress and that recovering from BPPV is just something that takes time. Every person is different and it just takes work to get back to normal. She again called her employer to give them an update. They asked that she get a letter from Troy giving her a release for work, and what her limitations are or would be.  Her employer expressed interest in getting a letter from an officially licensed MD rather than a Physical Therapist. The letter from the ER and the letter from Troy would not suffice. She spent the next week trying to get into a Doctors office. She did not and still does not have a primary care physician. She called numerous offices to be able to be seen, even if it was a telehealth appointment. At this point the COVID-19  pandemic had shut down and limited many things, so we knew that trying to get into a Doctor was going to be difficult. She had officially been released to work on light duty from the the Physical Therapist on April 9th. She was sure to relay this information her employer. The expressed that they didn’t want to have her endangering herself as a full-time employee and that they simply did not have the work for her to do on light duty. Her employer asked her to write a recount of all that had happened and all that she had done, as well as her intentions with work. She worked for a small business. She saw the owner regularly at work. During all of this she never once heard from him, her contact was simply with the person designated as manager. She never got to speak to the “man in charge” so to speak. They asked her to come in to meet with them on the 16th. Upon arrival, the owner quickly left with so much as well we wish you well. During this meeting she says they talked about the lack of a position for her on light duty and their need to have someone in her position. They decided that because she could not get a letter from an official MD she could not be placed on a medical leave. She was then effectively terminated, but she could contact them and see about returning to work if and when she felt good enough to work at 100%.

So, fast forward two weeks, we had received our government stimulus, and that provided for us to pay our rent for the month, but I also let her know that I could not continue to cover all the bills on only my income. I did not want to pressure her to go back to work before she was ready, but we needed something. Again fast forward to where we currently are, she’s decided she feels comfortable and able to work. She polished her resume, and for the fun of it applied for some positions at other Funeral Homes. She also  contacted her at this point former employer about scheduling a time to come back. The manager expressed the need to speak with the owner.  In the two days it took them to get back to her she heard from some mortuaries outside of Utah. We talked about what we were comfortable with, we talked about what needed to happen before I was comfortable to drop everything and leave. We made plans to prepare ourselves to move. I feel that I am not comfortable leaving until I can also have a position that would offer me day time work, or a position in field that I’m interested in making my career. When she finally heard back from her former employer, the manager expressed that they did not have a position for her. That they would not have one for her for the foreseeable future. This was an absolute punch to the gut. For the both of us, but especially so for her.

This has been hard. I have seen struggles in my marriage and my life that I never dreamed of seeing. I’ve felt confined. I’ve felt incredibly lonely. I want to be the kind of person that says you jump I jump. However I’m not. I don’t do things on a whim. I have plans for everything. I can’t throw myself into the void and hope things work out. So here we are, looking for stable ground when nothing has stability. In my eyes, my Wife lost her job during a global health crisis because she could not get in to see a doctor. Doctors that were busy trying to treat this virus, doctors that are busy doing everything they can to prevent the further spread of this.

 I completely understand that small businesses need to protect themselves in order to flourish. Maybe its naive of  me because I work for a big box retail store, to think that a small business would value their employees more than that of a big box store. I guess I should have known that wasn’t going to be the case when they refused to even offer her health insurance. 

I am incredibly grateful for Walmart and all that they do for their employees. I am thankful that I have health insurance, I am thankful that we were able to get married. I am thankful for that because it made a way for me to ensure Annie had health insurance during this difficult time. 

We will rebound. It’s what we do. I just felt the need to get this out to the world. I know there has to be many more people that have been experiencing things like this during this pandemic. I just needed to get the reality of it all out there for the world to see. The main lesson I have learned from all of this is, protect yourself, don’t over work, don’t sweat the small stuff, don’t put work over your family thinking that your employer will appreciate it. They probably never will, but your family will always feel the effects of  that.

 

Annie, I love you. We will make this work, and one day we will be able to move anywhere and be successful. I know I can do anything with you by my side. Thank you for understanding my needs during this. Thank you for allowing me to tell your story. 

Four short years

I’ll be the first to admit that the last two months have been especially tough. Things have happened that were completely unexpected. Those things forced me to reevaluate how and what is important to me. At the top of that list is of course the health, comfort and safety of my wife Annie. She’s the easily the most important person in my life, as well she should be. 

Four years ago today,  we took the plunge and vowed to share our lives together forever.  Every day has been an absolute blessing. Even the days we did nothing but argue. I have cherished every moment we’ve shared. I love staying up ridiculously late with her. Watching movies, having endless conversations about Harry Potter, talking conspiracy theories, experiencing things for the first time with her, watching our lives progress. Of course there have been setbacks and of course there will be more in the future, but I can’t imagine having anyone else by my side through the hardest moments. 

She hasn’t been driving for a while now, I picked her up yesterday and mentioned that I didn’t buy her an anniversary card this year. She seemed a little disappointed so I took her to the store with me. She shopped for a card while I picked up some other things, when she was done I went to pick up one up. 

 Cards are my thing. I enjoy picking one out that expresses everything perfectly, and writing something fantastic inside. I get her cards for everything. I’m a big supporter of hallmark.  There aren’t a lot of hallmark cards designed for LGBTQ+ people. It’s absolutely frustrating. When I pick out a card for my wife I shouldn’t have to scratch out a word. I shouldn’t have to put back the perfect card just because its gendered. It sounds silly, but I’m proud to be a woman that loves another woman, I want to buy her a card that reflects that. We place genders everywhere, colors, activities, greeting cards, clothing. I proudly shop the men’s clothing because it makes me more comfortable. I enjoy having pockets, and shirts that cover me. Rather than having plunging necklines and sleeves that are so short I’m not sure they can even be considered sleeves. I buy men’s shoes because they are easier to find in my size in a color that I don’t hate. I do that because it makes me comfortable. It’s not because I want to be a man. So why should people in the LGBTQ+ community be reduced to buying cards we have to scratch out words in? It can be as simple as changing the words man, wife, woman, and husband to spouse, person, and partner. So for instance in the card we both picked up yesterday that said “you make me a better man” that card could easily have said you make me a better person. Sure, if you go to the Hallmark website they do offer LGBT+ cards. A majority of those cards are not cards you would find in a store unless it is a LGBTQ+ store. I’m not trying to take another thing and make it political, I’m simply stating that I would like to go to the store and buy a card for my wife. We both eventually found cards that weren’t gendered. However it would have been much easier if we could have picked up any card and not had to worry about it saying the wrong words. 

A photo for every year we’ve been together

Annie, you are the love of my life. I am grateful for every moment we share. If given the opportunity to experience my life all over again, I’d make all the same decisions to ensure that I’d end up having you right by my side. I love every minute of our lives together. You have brought so much love and happiness into my life and I am forever grateful. I will spend every day of my life repaying the love you have shown me over these short years we have spent together.

Honestly...

I have learned from my experiences over the last two months that I never want to be trapped all alone.  I hate being by myself, I hate going through the every day motions and just getting another day behind me with no end goal in sight. I’m tired. One of the consequences of working overnight is never really being sure of what day it is. I wouldn’t know the date if my watch and phone didn’t tell me every time I look at them. I’m tired of going to bed when the world is happening around me. I’m tired of experiencing life while the world sleeps. I’m tired of the every day. I truly have no idea how people lived like this without the technology we are blessed to have.  I spend 5 work days working mostly by myself. I spend those days after work completely alone. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone. I can’t keep this up much longer. I need something to change. What changes can I make to make my own life better in a world that is currently on hold? What changes can I make that don’t depend on someone else? That’s my goal for this week. Will it happen? We shall see. I’m finding it hard to be optimistic. I’m finding it hard to be happy at all. I feel like I’ve lost myself with the madness of the world. What lessons am I supposed to learn from these experiences? Are these feelings I’ve had for a long time? Or are they just exacerbated by current events? Have I neglected the outlets I once had and no longer remember what they were? I need to find my footing and make steps towards my goals. I need to face my fears and finally move forward. 

This wasn’t what I expected today, but an expected life is a boring life. 

Pauses

It seems that every week this just gets harder. I can’t help but wonder if I had too high of expectations for this. I live a relatively uneventful life, with current restrictions, that uneventful life has become even more uneventful. They say nothing worth doing is easy. Utah has officially changed the risk level for COVID-19 from high risk to moderate risk. Starting Friday many businesses will begin to reopen. Will life resume as normal? Not likely. I can only hope that this has changed people. That they were forced to re-evaluate just about everything in their lives. 

In late 2019 I had big plans for 2020, I was going to take my life in my hands and do what I needed to do to better myself. I announced those plans, and now 4 very long months in to 2020, not much has changed. I force myself into writing every week and I have begun to dread it. I don’t have new ideas, I haven’t made any progress towards higher education other than looking at online schools and the programs they offer. I’ve looked at brick and mortar schools in my area to see what they could offer me. I’ve gone from wanting to be a high school guidance counselor, to a teacher, to a librarian. I think it remains clear to me that I want to work in education in some way. In what way, I’m still not sure. This year has not become what any of us imagined it would be. I feel for those whose lives have been put on pause. I feel for those that are working themselves to death battling this virus first hand. 

I never wanted this to become the Coronavirus diaries. Who would have thought we’d be where we are today? 

I pray that things will get better soon. Not because I want life to resume, but because the toll this is taking on everyone is dangerous. I want to share happy events with loved ones. I want to be able to celebrate life, I want to be able to honor those we’ve lost in an appropriate manner. I want to see my friends succeed. I want to see those that have been out of work back in their element. I want to have a nice meal in a restaurant  and to leave a really big tip. I want to be safe while doing those things. So yeah, I want to reopen the world, but I don’t want to risk anyone’s safety, because I want everyone right there with me when I can celebrate again. 

I’m putting it into the universe. Next week will be better. Don’t give up on me friends, I’m not giving up on you. We’re stronger together. 

Change is tough

I’ve never been very comfortable with change. I need to ease into things and see how things work. I’m not spontaneous. I never have been. Every decision I make is calculated. I like routine and schedules. Recently unexpected changes have happened in my life that  have thrown a wrench in my plans for life. I’ve found myself under stress I never imagined I’d be under. I’ve found myself angry in ways I haven’t been in years. I left my anger behind when I decided to become better and heal my soul. I of course know some anger is healthy, but the anger I’m experiencing isn’t healthy. It’s damaging. I’m not finding the escapes I once had. I’m just moving through the days rather than experiencing each one. Weeks have gone by and it doesn’t even feel like it. I have spent more time alone than I have in years. I’m not even doing anything productive with my life. I’m just watching everything pass by in a blur. I’m lonely and because of safe social distancing practices, there isn’t anything I can do about it. I’ve spent far too much time scrolling Facebook looking at the same thing day after day. I’ve watched too much TV. I’m not even enjoying my audiobooks as much as I normally do. They’ve just become painful. This blog is my one outlet, and I’m even struggling with that. I’m so ready to resume my routines. I’m ready have life return to normal. So maybe when it is safe to resume life as normal maybe I won’t be quite so isolated as I was before. Maybe I’ll be more social. Maybe I’ll be ready and more willing to be spontaneous. This quarantine is taking its tolls and I don’t have it nearly as bad as people in places that are on strict stay home orders. My heart goes out to those of you that are on strict stay home orders, I can’t even imagine what life must be like for you.  I love you all. Stay safe, we’ll all come out of this a little damaged, and hopefully better people because of it.

Quick thoughts

April 15th, I have very mixed emotions about this date.  Exactly one year ago today I received confirmation that I was no longer a member of the church I was raised in. Leaving the LDS church was a big step for me, and it was one I did not take lightly. I lived through so many changes in the church that hurt me deeply. It was painful to see such hatred come from the people I believed were speaking directly from God. I still have an appreciation for the religion, but in my own journey I realized I didn’t need an organized religion to have a personal relationship with God. So, here’s to the freedom of religion, and my freedom to choose not to be a part of any religion.

Today is also One Boston Day. The 7th anniversary of the bombings at the Boston Marathon. The first time I visited Boston, was a mere 2 months later. The city was still healing. It was quite the experience. I was moved to tears many times in those quick 2 days I spent there with my Mom. Seeing the city come together to heal, with the support of the world was absolutely awe inspiring. While I have only visited now twice, my heart will always be with Boston, the survivors, and the people that were lost that day.

Finish line from the 2013 Boston Marathon

Makeshift memorial

Every day we are forced to adapt and change to keep up with the world. Some days we are forced to make major life changes and some days the changes may be slight. I hope that you can all find the path you need to take to be successful in your lives. I hope that while your path may not be the easiest that you will have the strength to make it through to easier times. If life wasn’t difficult would it really be living? I’ve been struggling to make it through my designated path lately, but that doesn’t mean I’m shutting down and shutting others out. Look for the people offering help and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. If you are traveling your path with ease, try offering a helping hand. We may never know who we save with a simple I’m here for you, and let me know how I can help.
 Right now, even though for the health safety of all of us, we have to remain distant. We are all together in spirit, and we are stronger together. 

Why

Words are my outlet. I’m not a doodler, I don’t even scribble.  Lately I’ve been struggling to find the words that properly express what I’m going through or feeling. My earliest memory of writers block is from the first grade. My teacher asked us to write a poem with words that rhyme with our names. Can you imagine as a 6 year old trying to find real words that rhyme with LuEllen? That was tough. I was in tears. I mean I was in tears a lot as a kid but that’s a story for another day. The teacher ended up calling for my Mom from her own classroom to help me. People have always just called me Lu, so I think that’s what we ended up using because it was easier for my 6 year old brain to figure out rhyming words. I have a unique name. Although what we figured out this recently that Donald Duck’s nephew Louie’s full name was Llewellyn, go figure. I’ve always been proud of my name and where it came from. Lue is a family name and I am proud to share it with them. My great grandma was a Lu, and she was an author among many other amazing things. I’ve always been pulled to writing because of her. I even make it a point to rescue her books every time I see them at thrift stores. I’ve been lucky enough to find personalized inscriptions. I even found a newspaper clipping of her obituary. Searching for her books is one of my favorite hobbies. I always enjoyed visiting my Grandma so she could tell me about her Mama. Living without my Grandma in my life has been hard the last few years since she’s been gone. I miss her. I miss hearing her stories, I wish I had taken the time to write them down then.

Creative writing is difficult for me. My elementary school took part in a program that would turn our stories into books. The first year I was allowed to write my own story for my own book I ended up writing about how mean my Brother was. The good news though, now 20 years later my Brother is one of my best friends. Writing stories has always been difficult for me because I usually end up taking inspiration from something else that I’ve read or seen and I feel like I’m ripping off the original rather than coming up with my own ideas.  I know now that a lot of authors find success writing fan fiction and turning those stories into books of their own. So I’ll give it another shot at some point.

I’ve often found success in writing about my own experiences. In my debate days I often took things from my own life to be able to get my point across. I spent a lot of time one year in high school writing about the varying forms of terrorism. The extremes, and the events you wouldn’t normally expect to be considered as terrorism. I’ve always been very proud of that speech and if I can find it, I’ll share it. When I wrote it my teacher urged me to leave my comfort zone and put things in it about myself that I normally wouldn’t share with anyone I didn’t trust. That speech gave me the push I needed to leave my comfort zone and truly be me.

So why do I write? I write because it gives me the opportunity to compose myself before saying something I shouldn’t when I’m angry. I write because it gives me the outlet to express my true feelings when I’m feeling down. I write because it gives me a chance to go back and read what about things I’ve experienced when I’m having trouble remembering.
I wrote recently that I was having trouble finding the inspiration for my weekly post. I’m still experiencing that, so I took to looking at writing prompts. This was one of the suggestions.

 Here’s hoping things start looking up in the world. I know I’m not the only one struggling to find inspiration for many things these days. I hope you all stay safe and healthy.

We Will Become Silhouettes

I’m struggling. I don’t know what it is, maybe its the people I choose to surround myself with? Doing my best to stay positive in the situation we’re currently in. I’m over the jokes. I’m over the hype about what everyone is watching on Netflix. I’m tired of seeing people speak as though they are the experts on the issues. I’m tired of people shaming others about their habits. The world is going through something most of us have never seen before. Everyone adjusts in their own time. We’ll get there.

Okay that’s enough of that. 

I have a really cool tattoo artist. He’s someone I genuinely enjoy talking to. Every time I see him, he makes a point to ask how my personal progress is going. I appreciate that about him. Last time I saw him, we talked about my writing. He said never delete anything. So now I have drafts that eventually I’ll get back to and decide if I want to share them. 

I think putting the pressure on myself to write weekly has brought me to a point where I don’t feel like I can think critically anymore. I don’t feel creative. My writing journal has sat untouched for weeks. I’m struggling to find something to be excited about. I had a number of events I was really looking forward to that have been postponed. I’ve had events in my personal life that have created difficulties. I’ve even struggled talking to MYSELF about them because I don’t feel rational in the situation. My irrational brain and I are not friends. 

So, I’ve said before that I like to listen to music as I write. Some people might find it distracting but for me its just something to keep my mind occupied. So when I power up the computer or my iPad to get to work, my first step is to open Apple Music and pick a playlist or artist and get to work. If what I initially pick doesn’t help move my brain I pick something else. Today I was inspired to pick The Postal Service and the 10th anniversary edition of their album Give Up. It’s funny how often times the music I choose is indicative of what I write about in the current week. 

The Postal Service Give Up Deluxe 10th Anniversary edition

I hope you’re all doing well. This social distancing is tough, even on us introverts. I hope you’ll take time to check on your friends and family and find something other to talk about than current political events, because for a lot of us this is just draining. Sooner or later our hard work will pay off and we’ll all be able to see the people we miss and the people that inspire us again. 

Nescio

For years I have labeled myself as Just LuEllen. It’s been a while since I decided I was so much more than just LuEllen. Yet here I am again wondering am I really more than that? I don’t know. I do know that I’m filled with self doubt. I don’t start things because I don’t want to fail. I have yet to take my life into my own hands and make what I want out of it. I’m lost in indecision. My key phrase has always been “I don’t know”. So I wonder, do I really not know or do I just not want to give my input? What makes me unique? What makes me stand out from the crowd? I have absolutely no idea. I hate when you’re meeting with a group of new people and the leader suggests that we tell the group three interesting things about ourselves. What do I say when I don’t even find myself interesting? I feel defeated. I thought that maybe if I wrote out my goals for the whole world to see I could hold myself accountable. I’m not currently succeeding, but the world is at a stand still right now, so the only progress I can make has to be small steps. Small steps are better than nothing.
 I’m currently drowning in self-doubt. I don’t even know where to go from here. I can feel myself getting caught up in my head and not doing what I need to. See that word up there at the top? It’s Latin for I don’t know. I’m going to spend the week in my head trying to figure this mess out. Thanks for sticking with me.

Given much

We are living through an incredible time. Over the last few weeks I have witnessed so much gluttony. Working in a grocery store has left me with an interesting perspective on this whole issue. About three weeks ago it started. People were coming through our lines with multiple full carts. Full of canned goods, cleaning supplies and toilet paper. Were they the smart ones who prepared early? Or were they the ones that would keep coming back day after day to buy more? I have no problem with people having what they need for their family in a time of crisis. What I have a problem with is the people who are keeping those essential items and will never use them. The people that will try to return what they purchased so they can pay their bills. The bills they forgot about when they were spending upwards of thousands of dollars at the grocery store.
What we have been told thus far is that grocery stores are essential and will remain open through this pandemic. We have been told there is no shortage of the items we can not keep on our shelves; ie ramen, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, cleaning products, bottled water, and baby needs.
It breaks my heart every day to tell people that actually need an item that we don’t have it available for them to purchase. Seeing the lines of people waiting for toilet paper. Seeing the people take more than they need. For days the groups of people waiting outside our store waiting for us to open has varied.
Out of this pandemic I’ve seen multiple groups online to help the people that cannot help themselves, groups that have people sharing what they need and others that are able to offer what they have. I’ve also seen people turn to greed to then sell single rolls of toilet paper at a much higher cost than what they purchased it for. These kinds of groups really show the caliber of people in our world.
The first day our store closed over night and we were not limiting items to customers, I felt disgusted by humanity. People were upset that we had closed, and yet as soon as the doors opened it was a stampede of people headed straight towards the toilet paper. People were pulling out entire cases of it.  Coming to the registers with carts full of supplies. Supplies that greatly outweigh the need for a two week social distancing or quarantine. Seeing these people come through, and then right after seeing the people who only came for necessities or only needed one item and not being able to find it on the shelves.  It broke my heart. I had lost faith in humanity. Over the last few days the song from Kenneth Cope and Grace Noll Crowell called Because I Have Been Given Much  has been stuck in my head.
Because I have been given much, I too must give. Because of they great bounty, Lord. Each day I live. I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see. Who has the need of help from me. Because I have been sheltered, fed, by thy good care. I cannot see another’s lack, and I not share. My glowing fire, my loaf of bread, my roof’s safe shelter overhead. That he too may be comforted. Because of they life’s mission, Lord, I too will serve. I’ll leave the comfort of my home to teach thy word. I’ll see they sheep who’ve gibe astray and those who’ve never known the way. I will make they work my work today. I shall five love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed. Thus shall my thanks, be thanks indeed.
Now I know everyone isn’t religious, and of course that not every one believes the way I do. I personally don’t identify as a religious person. However this has brought me to a point in my life where I see a need and I personally can’t fill that need for all of those who need it.  So if you’ve read this far, here it is. If I have something I can get and you need it, please let me know. I want to help in this difficult time and this is what I can do to help. Please going through this pandemic remember those that cannot get what they need while you are doing your shopping. Leave things on the shelves for others. Practice social distancing, check up on your family and friends that might be struggling. Do what you can to help them. We will make it through this stronger together.

Diana Ross. If you know, you know.

Here we are, just about mid-march, and I've told you about who I am, but not how I came to become who I am. My blog is all about a journey, and I haven't shared my coming out journey. So I figured I'd better.
I was in the 4th grade when I developed my first crush on another girl. I know I thought nothing of it then, and that I didn't think it wasn't normal. I was definitely too young to understand what a lesbian was. Occasionally I'll still see this girl or her family around town and oddly enough I feel shame and embarrassment about said crush. Silly to think that its almost been 20 years since then and I still feel awkward around her. Probably because she was one of my best friends and we most definitely drifted apart. I don't know if something happened and I blocked it out or what, but I do know that I don't want to know what it was that caused us to drift. Fast forward a few years, I was about to start high school and felt a strong need to reinvent myself. I was too old to play softball for the city youth league, and I didn't feel like I was skilled enough to play for the high school. I didn't want to experience the heartbreak of trying out and not making the team. Although I did try out a few years later and was too afraid to even check to see the team list. So I reinvented myself. The transition from middle school to high school was strange. I was technically a freshman, but freshman were still in the middle school. So I one day near the beginning of the year I saw a flyer for the Shakespeare team. I decided to try out. I ended up being cast in a trio scene with a couple other girls that was going to be coached by some of the older high school students. I absolutely loved every minute of it. I made lifelong friends out of the high school kids that coached me. We went to the high school Shakespeare competition and my trio scene ended up taking first place. I was ecstatic. Shakespeare, and those friends I made were the breath of fresh air I was searching for. I had to find a way to be around it more often. So in order to be around the people that helped change me I joined the debate team. it was there that I started to discover who I truly was. I was enlightened on subjects I never could have dreamed of. I started to explore my identity.
Through out high school I was in two actual relationships with people. Looking back, one taught me to fight for what I wanted, and the other, well, lets just say while I was becoming more comfortable with my reality, I lost big pieces of myself I'm still trying to get back. I am however grateful for those experiences, and I always will be. Once I left high school I thought I had it all figured out, I knew who I wanted to be and I knew what I needed to do to achieve that. When I got to college, I was not shy about who I was. Everyone knew the person I wanted to be known as. That alone was one of my biggest struggles. I made lifelong friends there as well, but being me and being out was difficult. Life was easier living in the closet. I went home, and went back in the closet. As seen in last weeks post, that was also a struggle.
Fast forward again. I had been working at Walmart for about 6 months. Someone I had connected with online was looking for a job, and I chose to help her join the overnight maintenance crew. She was out, and married. One of the first few weeks she was there, I mentioned to one of my now very good friends that she was a lesbian. He said, "oh, that's cool." I said, well good, I am too, and that was that.
I was out at work, but I wasn't out at home. Home was also a struggle. I decided to move out and try my hand at that. I did and was still very lonely. I thought that the person I moved in with was going to be my outlet to the world, but it turns out she had other priorities in her life that didn't mean hanging out with me. I only lasted there about two months. My brother had also just recently moved out on his own, and had an extra bedroom. Moving in with him was one of the best experiences of my life. I had never really been that close to him, and us sharing a home together brought us much closer. I actually still live in that place and share it now with Annie. When I moved out of my parents home I decided to finally put myself out there and try to date as an adult. I had an unsuccessful fling, and was struggling once again. One night I happened to open my Zoosk app and there was a message waiting for me. All it said was, I think you're cute, you should text me some time. Well that was that. I started talking to Annie. I made it known to her that I wasn't interested in dating just to date, that I was looking for someone to spend my life with. Well we all know how that one turned out. About 6 months into our relationship Annie started coming around my parents house with me, going to family dinners. 6 months later I proposed, all without telling my parents that we were together. Shortly after she moved in with us, and that was the unofficial, official coming out. A few months later, my Mom, Annie and I were driving to pick up dinner. I decided to drop the big bomb on my mom and tell her that we had decided to get married and asked her what she was doing on a specific date.

That was that I had officially ousted myself from the closet, and I have been living out and proud ever since. I even wear this pin on my vest at work. I am proud to be who I am and I want everyone to know it.

Patience

I'm not really a very social person. I struggle to be a good friend because I would rather spend all my time with my family. I think its a result of being so alone for so long. When I left Weber State University, I left friends I had quickly grown to cherish. People I spent every day and every night with. College was hard for me because it was truly the first time I was allowing myself to be me. I would stay up way too late, or all night. I couldn't grasp the subjects I was studying. I couldn't keep myself awake in class even when I did go to bed at a reasonable hour. I could not get math to stick. I still can't get math to stick. I had my heart broken. I had a moment where I felt betrayed by my family. It was discouraging. I left after one semester. When I returned home I vowed to get a job and get in gear and get my future figured out. I applied for every job I could to no avail.  No where would give me a chance. My parents started paying me ridiculous amounts to do errands for them. I drove my brother back and forth to his wound clinic appointments for months. Finally my wonderful friend Jolene, saw I was struggling and gave me the opportunity to do some work around her house. I cleared her yard of weeds, I installed blinds, I painted, I pulled plants out she was allergic to, I hunted spiders. The day I finished and had recruited my family to help haul the debris to the mulch yard, we stopped for lunch at a new restaurant in town. My Dad told me to fill out an application. He knew the owners. They gave me an interview. I unknowingly showed up an hour early. I suppose that gave them a good impression and they hired me. I worked there for about a year. It was a wonderful experience but it was time for me to move on. My very last day there was also my first day at Walmart. I am quickly coming up on my eight year anniversary with Walmart. The first few years I told myself every holiday season that I would not be spending the next Thanksgiving there. I was going to move on. I then tried school again. It wasn't easy with my work schedule to balance school and work. It still won't be easy to balance, but I'm different now. I am more devoted to finding who I want to be. Then I was just existing in my every day life. I had no one counting on me except for me. I've always hated running in to people I once knew at work, because this was not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the person making changes in our world. I wanted to be someone important. Now I'm much happier being important to someone. I'm still struggling to find inspiration as to what to study, and what career path I want to go down. All I know is that I want to be able to give someone the hope that my friend Jolene gave me. I was spiraling when she reached out to me.

I have realized now how many relationships I have lost because I was so involved in surviving. I'm ready now to be a better friend, a better companion, a better sibling. I probably will still cherish my family time over my time with friends, but I'm ready to give those relationships another shot.
Maybe the people I want to see this never will, but I'm going to say it anyways.
Hey! I care about you and I will always want to be your friend no matter what. Don't forget that I'll be here for you when you need me!
Here we are just another day on the journey. Sooner or later I'll find that inspiration and be where I want to be, but for now I'll just be patient and do the every day work to keep on that goal. 

Cliché maybe?

This one may be a little jumbled, I started one, and chose to save it for another day. I'm indecisive and I've got a head cold. So thanks for sticking with me and my ramblings.

Recently I've had some friends and family affected by unexpected hardships. This raised a question when one of them was told to expect and prepare for something no one is ever prepared for. How is it possible to be prepared to have time to solve an issue no one can ever expect to happen?
This is one that I'm not sure I'll ever get answered. I don't want to live in a world where it is expected of me to be prepared for the unexpected. If I'm too busy expecting the unexpected, I'm not truly living. I would rather cherish every moment while I have it. 

When hardships fall on us, we should be able to reach out to those that care for us. We should be able to count on our jobs to still be there when we have solved the problem. We go to work when we're sick. When we get there we are shamed for being there, knowing full well that if we hadn't been there we could face punishment or termination. We live in a world where everyone is replaceable. In the blink of an eye our jobs will have been filled. Or they will remain empty and those we've left behind are left to pick up the slack. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I see an injustice, I want to fix it. I want to fight for that person. I want to make it right for them. I'm not so sensitive that I'm easily offended, but I am sensitive enough to know right from wrong. When we laugh at an image online, thinking the person in it will never see us laughing. We excuse our racism, our sexism, as humor or simply "how things used to be". Exactly. That's how things used to be, that is not how things are now. Our world is evolving and we need to evolve along with it, or be left behind.We need to help others along the way. If you see someone struggling, help them or simply be there for them. Life is bigger than you and me. Its all of us and everything that happens everyday all over the world. We need to present in the lives of those we care about. Call your grandparents. Call your parents. Call your siblings. While you still can. Hold your loved ones close when they are affected by tragedy. Do more than just exist in this world. Be a contributing member of society. Help those around you deal with life. Ask for help when you need it. I've always thought the quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world" was a little cliché, but as I've gone on through life I realize it isn't. Change always starts somewhere. Let that change be you.

I am constantly evolving into a better version of myself,  I hope that the changes I choose to make make for a better everyday life for my posterity. I used to live for tomorrow, for something better. I can't continue to live for a better tomorrow without changing my today.  No one knows for certain what will come of us in the end. It isn't our beginning or our end that matter, its what happens in between.

Sharing the burden

This one is going to be heavy. So if you're not ready for that I appreciate you making it just this far.


One night a few years ago, I came home from work on my lunch break, as I do every night. This night, I was struck with a deep feeling of sorrow and despair. I was alone. Sitting in my bathroom I had an overwhelming urge to end it all. I felt that if I did no one would care. Work wouldn't notice if I didn't come back. I felt lost and alone.
This wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last time I had this feeling. However this time was far more profound. I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I had no where I belonged. I don't like feeling this way, I just do, and I've managed. I've found ways to bring myself out of the darkness. I've always been different. I've always been proud of being different, but there are times where that just weighs on my soul. Making friends, keeping friends, being present, and participating. In high school I kept myself busy. Every day of the week I always had something to keep myself busy. Whether it was one of the various Drama club productions, or something for the Debate team. I never allowed myself time to get lost in my head. When it would overwhelm me it showed. I would get angry at nothing. I screamed at people that were there for me. I would clam up and not speak to people for hours or days. I allowed myself to get attached to toxic relationships. I let my fears run my life. I let my need for approval rule my life. I have always been afraid that I annoy people, its just been easier to keep to myself. I don't share my struggles with people. I bear the burden on my own until I can no longer handle it. Even then I still feel lost when people try to help.

I don't know a lot about depression and anxiety other than what I've experienced and what I've learned from others. I can see now that I have struggled for a long time, a lot of my behaviors have been signs. The day after this major moment of despair, Annie and I were traveling. I had been short with her, I was still struggling through the aftermath. She turned to me and asked me what was going on. For the first time in my life I was honest about what I was going through. That honesty was freeing. I learned that sharing my burdens makes them manageable. She of course reassured me that I wasn't alone in my struggle. She asked me tough questions about how we could get to the bottom of the issues. What makes this so interesting is that there were no triggers bringing me to this point. It was just my unhealthy thoughts that took over. Thoughts that forced all my happy memories away. That forced me to believe that I was just a burden to everyone in my life.

Some days I still just go through the motions. Other days I become angry with myself for being complacent. I become angry with those around me for things they can not control. I stopped screaming. I learned that it solves nothing. I've been more open to communicating with people through our issues. I've found ways to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay. On the best days I actually live. Those days are becoming more and more frequent.

On my journey, this has been one of the hardest lessons. I hope that by sharing myself with you, dear readers, that you can find a way to free yourself of the burdens that weigh you down. Even if you can't unload all of the burden; I hope that you know you can share your burden. You don't have to do it on your own. There will be difficult days, on those days don't be afraid to reach out to those that care about you. They want you there more than you could ever know.  We are stronger together, and together we can get through this.

Have Faith

In October of 2018, I decided to end one journey and begin another. I struggled with the decision to end this journey for a long time. I chose to leave the religion I was an official member of for nearly 19 years. The religion I was born into, the religion my family has practiced for generations. I was born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was raised to learn to practice this religion, I was baptized at the age of 8 like so many others. As I grew up, my relationship with this religion became strained because of who I am. I knew what I was taught to believe, but I also knew who I was. Let me tell you, growing up as a gay kid in a church that was so anti-gay was difficult. My mind and heart were constantly pushing back against what I was taught. Many others do not survive this situation so I definitely feel lucky to have made it to the other side. I will always hold pieces of this church dear to me. People often believe that those of us that choose to leave didn't truly believe. That couldn't be more wrong. I had a testimony of the church, a pretty strong one too.Often times I find I still do have a testimony of certain things. I left because being a member would not allow me to be fully true to myself. I stayed through the many difficult conference talks about the immorality of homosexuality. I followed the guidelines that were set out for me. I went to church every Sunday. I attended the youth events every Tuesday. I went to seminary, I was even chosen by my teacher to be the president of our class for the period I was in. I cherished that teacher. He never made me feel like I was less than, for anything. I made it through the Church educational system and graduated. Of course there was always some push back. One year they put me in charge of picking the opening hymn. For a solid 3 months I made the other students sing the same Christmas song EVERY DAY. I hope those students remember that and secretly love that song as much as I still do. I stayed through the new policies towards the children of gay people. I stayed even though I got married and no longer attended.
My struggle with leaving really stemmed from the need to be apart of something bigger than myself. When I finally realized that I didn't need to be counted as a member to still cherish what I was raised to believe. I started the process of having my records removed. I'm quickly coming up on 1 year of post Mormon life. While the year has not been too eventful, I have been slowly learning that having faith is not the same thing as being religious. I have faith in things I cannot see. I believe in a higher power. What that is, I may never know. I have learned that doing good, does not need to be recognized by others. I don't need to stand up in front of a congregation and praise myself for the good things I have done. I don't need to talk of my trials of faith in front of my peers. My struggles are my own. My relationship with God is my own.
Leaving the church was one of the most important parts of the journey I am on.

I have held this quote in my heart since the very first time I heard it. I knew I had to be true to myself to live an authentic life. I lived one foot in and one foot out of the closet for so long. I wasn't ever fully open about myself to anyone. It wasn't fair to me and it definitely wasn't fair to my sweet Annie. I had to take the leap of faith out of the closet. As well as the leap of faith to leave my religion, and hope the people that cared about me would be there to help guide me to where I needed to be. I still struggle to find my place. I think it will always be there in the back of my mind, but it will only take up the space I allow it. I am on a continuous journey of faith. 
So have faith in yourself. Have faith in others. Have the strength you need to take the steps you need to be an authentic you.

Honoring

Last week I wrote about my dear friend, so I thought I'd update you all. She has since returned to work and is doing well. Which makes me very happy. Thanks to all of you that kept her in your thoughts.
This last summer Annie and I were lucky enough to be able to travel to Boston. It was absolutely incredible. It taught us to be better about communication, and to help each other with the things we struggle with. I have to say that the Lyft driver that was completely honest with us about the area we were staying in really was an eye opener. I've lived in the relatively safe cocoon of Southern Utah my entire life. Before this trip, I had only ever traveled with my family. I never saw the dangerous and dirty areas of the places we visited. That, or I was naive and blind to the struggles. I've been lucky to be where I am.
While in Boston, we did our best to navigate public transportation. We had the incredible opportunity to take a walking tour of many historic sites. We stumbled into Kings Chapel at the moment they were going to start the Bell & Bones tour. We got to venture into the 18th century Crypt that lies beneath. As well as to the very top of the chapel to see the beautiful 1816 Revere bell. The largest and "sweetest sounding" bell Paul Revere's foundry ever made. We visited Fenway Park, and watched probably the most boring baseball game I've ever seen. We visited the Boston Tea Party ships and museum. We tasted the teas that the colonies never got the chance to try. We went where everybody knows your name...Cheers.  We tried new foods, Annie enjoyed a cold Sam Adams in front of a cold Sam Adams. I don't like beer, but the experience was fun. We were able to go on a whale watching tour. It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. It is one thing I can't wait to be able to do again.

 Without even planning it, we ended up in Boston the very weekend of the city's Pride event.  Going to Utah's Pride Festival is always one of our favorite trips of the year but last year the Utah Pride event ended up being to close to our Boston trip to be able to attend. So it was a pleasant surprise to be able to be there for Boston Pride. The 2019 Pride season happened to be the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in New York City. While watching the parade we were sobered and humbled by the sight of one specific entry.

This is why I chose to write about this trip. We have to always remember to honor where we came from. Who fought tooth and nail for the abilities we have. For me it is remembering to honor the people that were at the riots. Honoring Edie Windsor who had to fight The Defense of Marriage act in order to claim what was left to her by her late Wife without having to pay an estate tax. Its honoring Jim Obergefell who took on the fight for same sex marriage after marrying his husband in Maryland and finding out their marriage would not be recognized in their home state of Ohio. Eventually winning all of us the freedom to marry.  For me it is also honoring my family that was called upon to make new settlements in southern Utah. Its remembering and honoring the lives of the women who gave me my name.
The choices I make in my life are of course my own. No person other than myself can own the mistakes I've made. I personally don't view them as mistakes per say, they are simply missteps on my journey. (Now if you google the definition of misstep you'll get mistake. However, misstep lessens the blow of the word mistake. So don't call me on the definition.)
Going forward on my journey, I'm choosing to find my own way to honor those that paved the way for me. I hope you'll take the time to learn from the people that are still around and find your special way to honor them and the ones we've lost to time.

Take time

Recently I had a cherished friend and co-worker become dangerously ill. This particular co-worker has been a light for me in this dark world. I am eternally grateful for her. She is from an older generation and I cherish talking to her about her memories. She was taught to work, and to work hard. She was taught that she could provide for herself and others. Often she tells me about how her family ran the largest laundry service in the state, and how she worked for Coleman sewing zippers on sleeping bags. She opened her own beauty shop, and she still cuts her own hair. She would tell me about growing up, and how close she lived to school. She told me about how shy she was. She told me about meeting her husband. She tells me she never personally knew my grandparents, but she knew of them. She's younger than my grandparents so that's understandable. This woman is peculiar, and that is one of the many reasons why I love her. The more I talk to her the more sad for her I become. She has worked for the company for over twenty years. She rarely takes vacation, even though she has it available to her. She calls herself stupid, because as a child she was told she was illiterate so she didn't learn a lot of things. Every two weeks, she makes herself sandwiches for work and freezes them. She doesn't cook, she doesn't do math. In nearly eight years, I have never seen her pay with cash.We struggled for a bit when she was forced to do something that wasn't what she was accustomed to. She and I both thought it was because they were trying to force her out because of her age and ability. She told me at the time that she was afraid to stop working and officially retire, because working kept her active and social. She was afraid that if she stopped she would get sick and die. We struggled through those months and made it out on the other side. When I discovered that she was sicker than she was letting on; I told her that she needed to take time off and get better. This funny woman came back to work one week after being in the hospital. Of course with major disagreement from her family.  She was afraid she would not have a job to come back to if she didn't. She thought that actively working would help her recover faster. This made me even more sad.  Luckily, she realized that she needed to take more time for herself to heal. She is a valuable employee and her absence is noticed. I have taken the responsibility of making sure she is taken care of at work. Making sure she had the vacation days her family asked her to take. Helping her do tasks on the computer that were required of her. I was the one that told her she needed to go home. I arranged transportation home for her because she was so sick I didn't want her driving. I even programmed myself into her phone and told her exactly what buttons to push to get me. I happily call myself her personal secretary.  In her twenty years with the company she has never called out sick. She worked the night her husband died. She worked the night her brother died. She worked when her family needed her. Her reasoning was, "Well, there is nothing I can do to change the situation. So I may as well work." I will forever cherish this woman, but this is one thing I can never value. I understand it, but I don't agree.
Work will always be there. If its not the job you currently have, it will be another. We can never get back the moments we miss. Work can't be the only thing that you do. Cherish every moment with your family, and your friends. Take vacation, take an extra day off work. Take time to heal yourself. See the concert you've been dying to see. Visit the city you've always dreamed of visiting. Be apart of the life that continues on when you are busy at work. Pick up a hobby, cook more, read more, travel more. Visit friends and family more, be there for the moments you will wish you hadn't missed. Tell your stories, remember the loved ones you miss. You deserve to have that time. We never know when our time is up. Don't grow old with only stories about work. Hard work is valuable, so of course have stories about work. If we don't take time to nourish our life in other ways how on earth can we have a life worth living and remembering?
 I hope my dear friend is healing and happy. I can't wait for her to come back so I can continue to be apart of her work family. More than that I hope she takes all the time she needs, because she deserves it.

Forgiving. Forgetting. Moving On.

To know me is to know that I have always been the kind of person that could not forget the things that were done and said to me. Even if its not specifics, I have never forgotten the way I felt when they did happen. It has made every day interactions difficult; especially when I see someone from my past. Not long ago in my graduating class' Facebook group, a photo of my 5th grade class surfaced. While it was nice to see the friendships that maintained through the years, it brought back a number of difficult memories. Memories that shouldn't be difficult. My first crush, the ridiculous moments my friends and I fought over, the times that teachers decided they needed to get involved. While I don't call many of those friends from way back then friends still. Its still hard to let go of past hurts. The photo did however bring back cherished memories of the people I do still call friends. I am grateful for them. I'm not sure if its a personality trait of mine to hold on to things, it probably is. Moving forward in life I have to "let go and let God" as they say. I'm honestly trying to be better about the grudges I've held. I'm trying to forget the embarrassing moments. I'm trying to be a better version of myself. While moving on from the past and washing away the pains from then. I need to remember to hold on the important moments and the important people.  I have spent far too much time and energy being bitter towards the people that hurt me. Energy that would have been better spent enriching relationships that were important. Letting toxic people and toxic environments convince me that the important people were just using me. When in reality it was the other way around. I have a few friendships that will never be the same because of the decisions I made, and I regret that. So, the point of all of this is... Forget the unimportant. Remember and build up the important. Forgive yourself and others of past wrong doings. Move on and move forward with those that you choose to keep in your life. In the LGBTQ+ community we are big on creating a chosen family when your given family gives up on you. I have been lucky enough that my given family has never given up on me. So many others are not that lucky. We all get to choose who we keep in our lives. Cut ties with the toxic people in your life. If you can't cut ties, minimize the power they hold over you. I can't say it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Reach out to the people you have wronged, apologize. If they are not willing to receive your apology, move on. They aren't in the same place as you. Everyone moves in their own time. This is my next step in my journey. If you're ready please feel free to join me in moving on.

Representation

In my struggle to find inspiration, I realized I was in a rut. I was stuck living in a town that wasn't living up to my expectations. It probably never will, but that doesn't mean I can't be successful. I was stuck just moving through life without feeling. I survived every day, fake laughing at all the same jokes I'd heard a million times and I can guarantee I'll hear them a million more. "That must mean its free!" "another day, another dollar? yeah right!" You know how it is, I'm sure every job has those jokes. One night after finishing an audio book it struck me. My rut was not that I was stuck. I was lacking in representation. I watch TV that lacked in LGBTQ representation. I read books that fantasized LGBTQ people. Mainstream movies almost never had a gay main character, sure gay side characters. Movies that were accessible were either foreign (which is fine) or not the kind of content I was looking for.  I was struggling to see the everyday people that live and love like me. Before when I would read I had a criteria that I needed to be met so I could fall deep into a book. Rarely did I ever find one that really stuck with me. When looking for a movie to watch, I'm most often pulled towards a horror flick or a romantic comedy. Not what you'd expect of me right? All I've ever wanted was to see someone on the big screen that was like me. Had I been able to see that kind of love when I was growing up; I definitely would be a different person today. Sure, I wouldn't change who I am, but I would change my ideas as to what is "normal". Growing up in a small and very religious community, it was difficult to be true to myself. Every day I had to hide who I was. I walked the halls of my high school hearing kids say that there should be a hunting season for gays. I remember my first crush telling me about her lesbian aunts and how disgusting she thought they were. I remember how devastated I was. I remember the shame I felt when I would get butterflies when she smiled at me. I remember how terribly the gay kids that didn't live in the closet were treated. I had no sanctuary. Sure I tried to use the internet as a sort of sanctuary, but we all know the internet definitely is not a safe space. Not until the day that I finally gave up hiding did I ever feel like I was doing myself justice.  So when the rut hit me I finally admitted to myself that I was still struggling. I took it upon myself to find what I needed and the representation I was so desperately searching for. So after a quick google search I found my people and finally the internet had a safe space for me. I have been loving every minute of reading and listening to books where the main characters are lesbian or bisexual women. They struggle like I do, they love like I do, they struggle like I do. I definitely have to say thank you to the groups of people that have given me a place to call home while I continue to live in a community that loves to "Love the sinner, Hate the sin". It is hard to be optimistic when with every one step forward there are two steps back. Sure we'll get there, but it will take twice as long. Please don't get me wrong, I love where I live, and for the most part, I love my community. I grow and learn each day, and those that are open to it also grow and learn. I am grateful for those people. I eternally grateful for all the lesfic authors, publishers, reviewers, and narrators. You were my lifeline when I needed it. I am especially grateful to all my LGBTQ friends and family that understand these struggles. 

Together we will do more than just survive. We will live.