Update

As with everything in life there are diversions from the path. Who would have thought that we would be here right now. 

Last week I wrote about the medical issues and the consequences of it that Annie was experiencing. That evening, Annie started experiencing new symptoms, we assumed it was stress related and anxiety. Those symptoms progressed over the weekend and by Monday they were very concerning. She was experiencing loss of function of her right hand and her speech would become slurred. It was not constant, but intermittently through out the day. I asked her to schedule a Dr. on Demand call after we spoke about it. The Doctor suggested based on her symptoms that she go get checked out by the local ER. We didn’t want to be a clog in the system there so we checked with the Instacare first. They also suggested a visit to the ER. So off she went. She was given a note by Instacare to be seen right away at the Emergency room. There they sent her off for an MRI and a Lumbar puncture and admitted her to the Neurology floor of the hospital. I had worked the night before and Annie was gracious enough to let me get some sleep. So I am very thankful for her mom for taking her and keeping me updated through out the process. 

Annie says MRIs are not fun, and she would never recommend a lumbar puncture to anyone. 

Early Tuesday morning they took her down for another MRI to look at her neck and spine.  Her MRI showed a lesion on her cerebellum.  Which is the part of the brain that affects balance, speech, coordination, and eye coordination. 

This lesion is likely the cause of her vertigo symptoms, when speaking with the neurologist about the vertigo she said, well its easy to assume that when something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it is probably a duck. When we visited the ER in March for her dizziness, she was not showing signs of something more. So it was easy to diagnose Vertigo. It was when she started to develop signs of a stroke that everyone became more concerned. Who would have thought that those symptoms would take two months to develop. 

So here we are now. She has been discharged from the hospital, and we are waiting for some final results. She’s receiving high dose steroids for the lesion on her brain, and getting those steroids via IV in the infusion clinic. 

So friends, please pay attention to what all your symptoms are, keep a record of what is happening. You may never know for certain that what you’re experiencing is all that is going on. I’m very grateful that I have been taught to recognize a stroke, I am grateful this didn’t end up being one. I am grateful for my managers at work for being so understanding. I am grateful for Annie’s mom for being there for her and for me through out this. I am grateful for my Mom for getting me out of there for a few minutes and getting me out of that headspace. The last three days have been some of the longest of my life. I have been beyond scared. I don’t recommend this experience to anyone, but I am thankful to have experienced it so I know how to handle this in the future if I witness it or experience it again. 

 

An overview of the last two months in our lives

My wife was fired from her job because she was unable to meet with the medical professionals her job required of her during a global health crisis. 

So let me take you back and with her permission, give you the details I’ve been withholding for the last two months during my struggles to write. 

In early march, the COVID-19 craziness officially hit Utah, closing all restaurants and cancelling all events that would be gatherings of 50 or more people, and the LDS church stopped all weekly meetings. The stress was monumental, both at my job and Annie’s. My job was just insanely busy with people of course buying all the canned foods and toilet paper. With Annie’s job as a Funeral Director, she was tasked with making sure they were following all guidelines set out by the government with all current and future services she planned. The stress of it was monumental. 

On Wednesday March 18th, Annie woke early with severe dizziness and nausea. She called and asked me to hurry home from work. I recognized the symptoms she was describing as vertigo. Having known a little bit about it, I decided to take her to a chiropractor to have her upper back and ears adjusted. While there was a little relief it didn’t help much. She spent the rest of the day being unable to keep any food or water down. I had her sleep in our recliner that night to restrict her movements and keep her head upright. She woke up that on the 19th with still no relief. I made the decision to take her to the emergency room to get her hydrated and hopefully get some answers. She finally saw some relief from the dizziness and nausea with the medications they prescribed. The ER doctor told her she was not to drive until 1 week after the dizziness subsided. She immediately called work and let them know what was going on.  I took that Friday off work to continue to care for her.  On Monday March 23rd, she had an appointment with a nurse practitioner at Hurricane family clinic in Hurricane Utah. There she was given more information about Vertigo (BPPV). The nurse practitioner gave her a link to a youtube video of a maneuver that “should” help. She continued to do it on her own until she realized it wasn’t helping. The NP at the clinic told her the methods we were using up to that point were not the correct methods of treating BPPV. We decided to reach out to some friends to see what helped them with their vertigo, at their suggestions we made an appointment with Troy Gubler, at Gubler’s Physical Therapy in Hurricane. For the first time that week she felt some relief and comfort from a medical professional is trained to help with these issues. She again called her employer to keep them updated on her issues and see what they needed from her in this situation.  She continued to do the maneuvers at home to continue her recovery. She was  beginning to feel better, but we hit another wall. She wasn’t feeling like the maneuvers were working so we made another appointment with Troy. At that appointment on the 8th of April, Troy reassured her that she was making progress and that recovering from BPPV is just something that takes time. Every person is different and it just takes work to get back to normal. She again called her employer to give them an update. They asked that she get a letter from Troy giving her a release for work, and what her limitations are or would be.  Her employer expressed interest in getting a letter from an officially licensed MD rather than a Physical Therapist. The letter from the ER and the letter from Troy would not suffice. She spent the next week trying to get into a Doctors office. She did not and still does not have a primary care physician. She called numerous offices to be able to be seen, even if it was a telehealth appointment. At this point the COVID-19  pandemic had shut down and limited many things, so we knew that trying to get into a Doctor was going to be difficult. She had officially been released to work on light duty from the the Physical Therapist on April 9th. She was sure to relay this information her employer. The expressed that they didn’t want to have her endangering herself as a full-time employee and that they simply did not have the work for her to do on light duty. Her employer asked her to write a recount of all that had happened and all that she had done, as well as her intentions with work. She worked for a small business. She saw the owner regularly at work. During all of this she never once heard from him, her contact was simply with the person designated as manager. She never got to speak to the “man in charge” so to speak. They asked her to come in to meet with them on the 16th. Upon arrival, the owner quickly left with so much as well we wish you well. During this meeting she says they talked about the lack of a position for her on light duty and their need to have someone in her position. They decided that because she could not get a letter from an official MD she could not be placed on a medical leave. She was then effectively terminated, but she could contact them and see about returning to work if and when she felt good enough to work at 100%.

So, fast forward two weeks, we had received our government stimulus, and that provided for us to pay our rent for the month, but I also let her know that I could not continue to cover all the bills on only my income. I did not want to pressure her to go back to work before she was ready, but we needed something. Again fast forward to where we currently are, she’s decided she feels comfortable and able to work. She polished her resume, and for the fun of it applied for some positions at other Funeral Homes. She also  contacted her at this point former employer about scheduling a time to come back. The manager expressed the need to speak with the owner.  In the two days it took them to get back to her she heard from some mortuaries outside of Utah. We talked about what we were comfortable with, we talked about what needed to happen before I was comfortable to drop everything and leave. We made plans to prepare ourselves to move. I feel that I am not comfortable leaving until I can also have a position that would offer me day time work, or a position in field that I’m interested in making my career. When she finally heard back from her former employer, the manager expressed that they did not have a position for her. That they would not have one for her for the foreseeable future. This was an absolute punch to the gut. For the both of us, but especially so for her.

This has been hard. I have seen struggles in my marriage and my life that I never dreamed of seeing. I’ve felt confined. I’ve felt incredibly lonely. I want to be the kind of person that says you jump I jump. However I’m not. I don’t do things on a whim. I have plans for everything. I can’t throw myself into the void and hope things work out. So here we are, looking for stable ground when nothing has stability. In my eyes, my Wife lost her job during a global health crisis because she could not get in to see a doctor. Doctors that were busy trying to treat this virus, doctors that are busy doing everything they can to prevent the further spread of this.

 I completely understand that small businesses need to protect themselves in order to flourish. Maybe its naive of  me because I work for a big box retail store, to think that a small business would value their employees more than that of a big box store. I guess I should have known that wasn’t going to be the case when they refused to even offer her health insurance. 

I am incredibly grateful for Walmart and all that they do for their employees. I am thankful that I have health insurance, I am thankful that we were able to get married. I am thankful for that because it made a way for me to ensure Annie had health insurance during this difficult time. 

We will rebound. It’s what we do. I just felt the need to get this out to the world. I know there has to be many more people that have been experiencing things like this during this pandemic. I just needed to get the reality of it all out there for the world to see. The main lesson I have learned from all of this is, protect yourself, don’t over work, don’t sweat the small stuff, don’t put work over your family thinking that your employer will appreciate it. They probably never will, but your family will always feel the effects of  that.

 

Annie, I love you. We will make this work, and one day we will be able to move anywhere and be successful. I know I can do anything with you by my side. Thank you for understanding my needs during this. Thank you for allowing me to tell your story. 

Four short years

I’ll be the first to admit that the last two months have been especially tough. Things have happened that were completely unexpected. Those things forced me to reevaluate how and what is important to me. At the top of that list is of course the health, comfort and safety of my wife Annie. She’s the easily the most important person in my life, as well she should be. 

Four years ago today,  we took the plunge and vowed to share our lives together forever.  Every day has been an absolute blessing. Even the days we did nothing but argue. I have cherished every moment we’ve shared. I love staying up ridiculously late with her. Watching movies, having endless conversations about Harry Potter, talking conspiracy theories, experiencing things for the first time with her, watching our lives progress. Of course there have been setbacks and of course there will be more in the future, but I can’t imagine having anyone else by my side through the hardest moments. 

She hasn’t been driving for a while now, I picked her up yesterday and mentioned that I didn’t buy her an anniversary card this year. She seemed a little disappointed so I took her to the store with me. She shopped for a card while I picked up some other things, when she was done I went to pick up one up. 

 Cards are my thing. I enjoy picking one out that expresses everything perfectly, and writing something fantastic inside. I get her cards for everything. I’m a big supporter of hallmark.  There aren’t a lot of hallmark cards designed for LGBTQ+ people. It’s absolutely frustrating. When I pick out a card for my wife I shouldn’t have to scratch out a word. I shouldn’t have to put back the perfect card just because its gendered. It sounds silly, but I’m proud to be a woman that loves another woman, I want to buy her a card that reflects that. We place genders everywhere, colors, activities, greeting cards, clothing. I proudly shop the men’s clothing because it makes me more comfortable. I enjoy having pockets, and shirts that cover me. Rather than having plunging necklines and sleeves that are so short I’m not sure they can even be considered sleeves. I buy men’s shoes because they are easier to find in my size in a color that I don’t hate. I do that because it makes me comfortable. It’s not because I want to be a man. So why should people in the LGBTQ+ community be reduced to buying cards we have to scratch out words in? It can be as simple as changing the words man, wife, woman, and husband to spouse, person, and partner. So for instance in the card we both picked up yesterday that said “you make me a better man” that card could easily have said you make me a better person. Sure, if you go to the Hallmark website they do offer LGBT+ cards. A majority of those cards are not cards you would find in a store unless it is a LGBTQ+ store. I’m not trying to take another thing and make it political, I’m simply stating that I would like to go to the store and buy a card for my wife. We both eventually found cards that weren’t gendered. However it would have been much easier if we could have picked up any card and not had to worry about it saying the wrong words. 

A photo for every year we’ve been together

Annie, you are the love of my life. I am grateful for every moment we share. If given the opportunity to experience my life all over again, I’d make all the same decisions to ensure that I’d end up having you right by my side. I love every minute of our lives together. You have brought so much love and happiness into my life and I am forever grateful. I will spend every day of my life repaying the love you have shown me over these short years we have spent together.

Honestly...

I have learned from my experiences over the last two months that I never want to be trapped all alone.  I hate being by myself, I hate going through the every day motions and just getting another day behind me with no end goal in sight. I’m tired. One of the consequences of working overnight is never really being sure of what day it is. I wouldn’t know the date if my watch and phone didn’t tell me every time I look at them. I’m tired of going to bed when the world is happening around me. I’m tired of experiencing life while the world sleeps. I’m tired of the every day. I truly have no idea how people lived like this without the technology we are blessed to have.  I spend 5 work days working mostly by myself. I spend those days after work completely alone. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone. I can’t keep this up much longer. I need something to change. What changes can I make to make my own life better in a world that is currently on hold? What changes can I make that don’t depend on someone else? That’s my goal for this week. Will it happen? We shall see. I’m finding it hard to be optimistic. I’m finding it hard to be happy at all. I feel like I’ve lost myself with the madness of the world. What lessons am I supposed to learn from these experiences? Are these feelings I’ve had for a long time? Or are they just exacerbated by current events? Have I neglected the outlets I once had and no longer remember what they were? I need to find my footing and make steps towards my goals. I need to face my fears and finally move forward. 

This wasn’t what I expected today, but an expected life is a boring life.