Nov. 6th 2024

Well, this is certainly not the day I thought I’d be having. I went to bed last night physically ill over the thought of what was happening. Waking multiple times through the night and seeing new headlines. I’ve been experiencing the stages of grief. I don’t even know where to begin. I was giving people more credit than they were due. In 2016 I was hurt and scared. I thought then, that I’d be better off dead than living in a country ruled by hate. I lived in fear every single day until November 2020. That election was not what I wanted either, but I settled for what I was given. I have lived in a solid red state my entire life, sure I could change that by moving, but I love Utah. I love the natural beauty that surrounds me every day. Every time I considered moving away I reminded myself that people travelled the world just to get the opportunity to see what I get to see every single day. So solid red state it is. Over the last eight years I have experienced so much that I would have missed if I had chosen to take my life that fearful day in 2016. I have also experienced pain, fear, and uncertainty. I am a better person now. This year I began to feel hopeful. I was hopeful that people where better than I had given them credit for eight years ago. I wrote off hateful and disgusting comments hoping that we were better now than we were then. That the majority of people believed as I do that we are better than the hate that has been spewed so freely. I was so hopeful, driving through my community seeing red signs saying Republicans for Harris. I was excited and hopeful. Something I haven’t felt in years. I did not expect to feel so deeply the things I was feeling today. I shed so many tears. Tears for the loss of my hope, tears for my cherished friends who may feel the way I did in 2016. Tears out of anger towards the people that let me down. I have not once today felt that I would be better off being dead. I chose to take care of my mental health. I chose to remove the people I no longer wanted to be friends with or affiliate myself with. I understand, their joy for their win. I do. I have experienced amazing wins in my life that brought me the same type of hope and joy. I simply could not continue living my life surrounded by people who are not likeminded. I have always enjoyed a healthy debate, but I could no longer debate things that make me who I am. This week I’m sad and numb. Next week, I’m pulling myself up by my bootstraps and not giving up. I’m fighting for the future I want to leave behind for the generations that will come after me. I’ve spent far too much time being complacent. While I know I may not be able to do much with my limited time and resources. I will never stop fighting for the queer youth who are afraid, because I was one. I will never stop fighting for my queer elders who fought for me, because I will be one. I am not going to let this loss steal my hope and joy. I will fight for it every day regardless of how scared I may be. Feel and embrace your feelings friends, it makes us better people. We’re going to be okay.

Press on

I don’t want to keep writing about the horrors that is 2020, but unfortunately not much else is happening. I’ve been hit with struggles I never could have foreseen. I’m doing my absolute best to continue to press on despite the struggles. I have a friend that was once told to expect the unexpected, the unexpected in her life was something no one should ever have to expect. I was angry for her when she told me, I’m still angry for her now. However I’m currently living through a similar situation. How do you prepare financially for something you can’t predict? I’m angry that I wasn’t more prepared.  

I’ll be honest, I live in fear every day. Every day I fear some stupid decision I make will cost me my job. I fear, because I have something to lose. I love my job and I love the people. I also do everything I can to stay in the good graces of the people that matter. Any day that I don’t go above and beyond, I feel guilty for only getting the necessities done. Having worked overnight for so long, leaving a mess for the next shift to clean up is my worst nightmare, sometimes its unavoidable, most of the time its not. If I can hold myself accountable for the outcomes I create, I can hold myself accountable for anything. 

I’ll continue to press on, make every decision with a level head. Unfortunately I’ll continue to live in fear, but that fear makes me better. It makes me be a better employee, a better supervisor, a better decision maker. 

So while I’m afraid, I’m not too afraid to continue. I will overcome these obstacles, I will ask for help when I need it. I will communicate my weaknesses. I will be better because of all that is happening. 

Just a quick one today. It’s hard to keep on writing when life remains stagnant. 

Difficult decisions

Through out this year, and all the difficulties that have come with it I have struggled to find what to write about on a weekly basis. Often I find myself staring at the blank page before me. So for once I’ll just let it pour out, rather than labor over it. 

Annie is still looking for a job. Unfortunately this town has not made it easy. So we’ve been forced to explore options elsewhere. It’s difficult for me because I don’t feel ready to leave, especially since we are barely keeping our heads above water. However if leaving means better opportunities I’ll force myself to be ready. I’m a homebody, and my life has deep roots here. I have experienced my traumas here. I have experienced all of my joy here. I drive through a town full of memories. I have absolutely no idea where 2020 is going to take us, and that scares me. I find it ironic. One of the very first years in my adult life that I have decided to take my life and make what I want of it, and my momentum gets put at a dead stop because of situations I cannot control. I need to take advantage of what is in front of me. I need to start school while I can qualify for more help. I need to use the systems that are put in place to help people that are struggling. If only those systems were easier to use. While I know these things, it makes it even harder to move forward. How do I put myself and my little family in more debt when we have to scrape by in order to survive each month. If I could go back to the beginning of all of this would I have made different choices? Would I have taken a different path? I’m stubborn, and I know it, so I’d probably be in this exact situation. I just can’t help but wonder, that if we had known in March that it was a brain lesion and not vertigo what would have happened. Where would we be now?  I know we will survive this and be better for it. We have experienced so many things this year, and we’re constantly learning from it. 

I never could have seen this coming. We all joke that when asked the question in 2015, where do you see yourself in five years, we never would have expected this. So I’ll ask the question again and do my best to be where I hope to be. 

So friends, with the knowledge of your 2020 struggles and knowing that there is more to come. Where do you see yourself in five years? How are you going to go about making it a reality? 

A halfway point

We’re officially half way through the year. When I picked this journey back up in January, this was not what I expected to happen. I had expected to follow along with plans I had made for myself. I had planned to continue a journey to better myself with education. As 2020 has shown us, nothing can ever be expected. I again paused my journey for education, but this time I know how to restart and where to restart. I never in my life expected to have such difficult moments. I’ve watched as friends and family have had to navigate through some of the hardest things they will ever have to do in their lives. 

I have been on a speeding train constantly missing my stop because the train never stops. Do I work to survive, or do I survive to work?  I think I’ve had my priorities mixed up for a while. I thought that I was working to survive, but last week a case of tonsillitis gave me the chance to pause and reflect. I spent a week at home with Annie. We made meals together, we played so much Animal Crossing, and I got to go to bed every night with her by my side. I knew that being able to do that was a blessing. Tonsillitis gave me the chance I needed to get off that speeding train. I also feel blessed to have been able to go back to work. I got to go back on a different schedule. I have to admit, I was scared and nervous. I still am, but I feel validated in my fear, because I spent so much time working one schedule, with the same routine. I had no idea what to expect. Granted it has only been three days on the new schedule so far, but it has been enjoyable. I like the people, and I definitely like being able to come home at night. It’s going to continue to be a learning experience, and I already miss my friends on the other shift, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to change things up. 

When this year began, I thought I would be on a never ending hustle to better myself. I thought that I would be taking up new experiences, and trying new things. Now, half way through the year, I realize that I of course have been on the never ending hustle, and my new experiences are not what I had planned for but they are in fact new experiences.  When do things ever go according to plan? I am generally a very methodical person. I like to plan out everything before I do it, so I should know very well that things don’t  always happen according to plan but they almost always work out for the better. 

So we’re still working on the journey. I’ve picked an online school and a program. I’m just waiting on a couple more things to fall into place. Of course if they don’t fall into place, I will again have to adjust and move forward, but we’re working on it folks. 

Keep pressing on friends. The struggle may cease, but your hustle to better yourself should never stop. 

History was made

June 26th happens to be one of my favorite days, so I purposely pushed this weeks blog back. Well, kind of anyways. Planned to write yesterday but more pressing matters came up and that took my attention. 

On this day in 2015 the Supreme Court struck down all remaining states bans on Same Sex Marriage, legalizing marriage equality across all 50 states. So Happy Anniversary to the many many people who got to FINALLY marry the love of their lives. 

On this day in 2013 the Supreme Court struck down section 3 of the Defense of Marriage act, which prevented the Federal Government from recognizing Same Sex Marriage. Also in 2013, the Supreme Court came to a decision in the Case of U.S. vs Windsor. Edie Windsor Was charged an inheritance tax on the estate of her late wife, which would not have been the case if her spouse had been a Man. The court ruled in her favor. Another instance of marriage equality on this day. In 2013 the High Court declined to review a lower courts ruling that invalidated California’s Proposition 8. 

So, Happy Pride month. These historic rulings are just one of the reasons why June 26th is one of my favorite days. 

Let me take you back to my experience 5 years ago... Annie was at work, I was watching the news in our little apartment. When the decisions came I celebrated by myself and texted Annie, and celebrated the news on twitter, while I was busy being distracted, I received a text message from my Mom.

Let me give you a little back story here. Prior to this day, my Mom and I never really talked about Marriage equality, she knew I was a lesbian, but we never really spoke about it. She knew that Annie lived with my brother and I but other than that we really didn’t discuss it. There is just a long long story that goes here, but its one I like to keep to myself and my loved ones. Maybe someday dear readers. So back to the story. 

I didn’t see my Mom’s text right away, so she called. She was in Philadelphia at the constitution center. She asked if I saw her message, she told me about her trip, and told me of all the rainbows and celebrations beginning to form. It was amazing, and arguably the best phone call I’ve ever taken. 

This day is historic for many, but for me it is one of the most important days in my life. It opened up the discussion of wedding planning. It was one of the first days I truly felt loved and accepted by my family. I always knew their love was there, but it never felt like it was an open and honest love. I felt shame leading up to this day. Shame that was absolutely debilitating. I hold no grudges and place no blame on others, because that shame belonged to me alone. I am so grateful for my own personal growth and the growth of my loved ones that have helped me overcome this shame. I’m grateful to the woman from my parents church, who recognized me in Walmart with Annie, and saw me drop her hand. I’m grateful that she made a point then to come talk to me and ask me to introduce her. I’m grateful for the love others have provided me that has made my personal growth much easier. One day I will get the opportunity to thank that woman in person, but for now, I’ll settle with this. I’m grateful for the youth leaders during my formative years that took the time to get to know me and love me. I’m grateful to still get to experience their love today and every day. 

While the day I married Annie reigns supreme as the best day of my life. June 26th 2015 runs a close second. Thank you all for being a part of my journey. Thank you for being the teachers, the listening ears, the readers I need. I am beyond grateful. 

Happy Pride

It’s June, my favorite month. My birthday, the start of Summer, and Pride month. As we all know by now, I live in Southern Utah. The pride community here is still growing. I am 100 percent willing to admit that I have never participated in any of the events that go on around town. It hasn’t felt like the community I needed. When events first started happening, I didn’t feel safe to attend. Now, I don’t attend because the time and place are rarely ever convenient for me. I don’t know a lot of other people in the LGBTQ+ community in my area, but that’s because I just don’t get out much. In my out life I have never purposely hidden who I am. I proudly wear a rainbow pin on my vest at work. I no longer change names and pronouns to make other people comfortable. Why should I have to? I am proud of who I am and I never want others around me to think that I’m ashamed. Unfortunately there are so many people that are ashamed. Why have we as a society belittled people to the point of living double lives? Why can’t we provide the resources of support for people who need it? I was lucky enough to meet Annie on a dating site, and I am so blessed. I feel so deeply for the people who are lost and have no idea where to turn to find someone to love, someone to just be friends with, someone with similar interests.  Where do you turn when your interests don’t fall in line with the interests of the majority of the community? I have no idea how people find other people to date in this community. I feel out of touch with my community, and that’s my fault. I’m going to work on being better. I want to be a supportive member, ally, and friend. When I was lost and looking for community I was forced online because there wasn’t an advertised local community. I am so grateful for the community I found there. I am grateful for the ever evolving communities of support I have been able to find online. Every coming out journey is unique, from the reactions of family and friends, to the resources available, to the spiritual or religious journey someone may be on. 

My journey is ever evolving and it is currently guiding me to the places I need to be to be a better member of my own local pride community.  I would greatly appreciate any resources you might have to help me in this journey so I can help those around me better. 

Happy Pride. I hope you all stay safe, and healthy. I also hope you’ll find ways you can help those around you. Pride is more than just a big party. It’s the coming together of communities to support those who need it. For me its always the reminder that I matter, that I am loved, and that I am needed. 

E Pluribus Unum

I’m torn. Last week, I had decided what I would write about this week. I thought about it all week. Yesterday I sat down to write and I just lost the drive behind what I had chosen to write about. I did spend a good amount of time researching, and learning about my history. It’s been fantastic. I learned that I had an ancestor that came to America in 1640, for what reason, I’m not sure. From there I was able to trace the lineage down to me, and see the places they had been before we ended up where we are now. It’s tough to choose which person on the tree to follow. With some people there is a lot of information available, and with others, not so much. For many of us we know that our lineage did not originate in the Americas. We know that we came from somewhere else at some point in history. On the great seal of the United States of America there is a phrase in Latin that has always stuck with me. That is E Pluribus Unum. Which translates to out of many, one. We created this nation with people from all different walks of life, and it is those differences that make us better. We could not be who we are today without them. 

So, in school I was taught that America is a melting pot. Where different nationalities, cultures and ethnicities are fused into one. I can see the reasoning behind that, when it originated, people from all over had to come together to make a successful nation. Now however America is more of a salad bowl, where different cultures mix but still remain distinct. We shouldn’t have to melt ourselves down to fit the mold of  the United States. The mold should change and adapt with our cultures. We should embrace and cherish our differences. We should know our history. We should learn from it, and be better because of it. I want to raise children in a diverse nation, where they can be taught about all of the people it took to make this country what it is. I want them to know all that they can about their lineage. I want them to know about the choices their ancestors made, good or bad and choose to be better because of it. I want to raise children that will fight the injustices they see and stand together as fight to make positive changes. We can be better, and make better for our future generations. Much like so many of our ancestors did for us. 

So again, I’m torn. I have wanted to write about this for months. I wasn’t able to articulate exactly what I wanted to say. I’ve started and stopped many times, and still I’m not 100 percent satisfied, but its all in the process. 

My challenge for you at this step in the journey is to know where you came from, and take the time to teach someone else about it. I personally would love to be apart of your continuing journey, and I would especially love to learn about your past. 

 Embrace the journey that came before, and make the continuing journey better for those that come after.