Difficult decisions

Through out this year, and all the difficulties that have come with it I have struggled to find what to write about on a weekly basis. Often I find myself staring at the blank page before me. So for once I’ll just let it pour out, rather than labor over it. 

Annie is still looking for a job. Unfortunately this town has not made it easy. So we’ve been forced to explore options elsewhere. It’s difficult for me because I don’t feel ready to leave, especially since we are barely keeping our heads above water. However if leaving means better opportunities I’ll force myself to be ready. I’m a homebody, and my life has deep roots here. I have experienced my traumas here. I have experienced all of my joy here. I drive through a town full of memories. I have absolutely no idea where 2020 is going to take us, and that scares me. I find it ironic. One of the very first years in my adult life that I have decided to take my life and make what I want of it, and my momentum gets put at a dead stop because of situations I cannot control. I need to take advantage of what is in front of me. I need to start school while I can qualify for more help. I need to use the systems that are put in place to help people that are struggling. If only those systems were easier to use. While I know these things, it makes it even harder to move forward. How do I put myself and my little family in more debt when we have to scrape by in order to survive each month. If I could go back to the beginning of all of this would I have made different choices? Would I have taken a different path? I’m stubborn, and I know it, so I’d probably be in this exact situation. I just can’t help but wonder, that if we had known in March that it was a brain lesion and not vertigo what would have happened. Where would we be now?  I know we will survive this and be better for it. We have experienced so many things this year, and we’re constantly learning from it. 

I never could have seen this coming. We all joke that when asked the question in 2015, where do you see yourself in five years, we never would have expected this. So I’ll ask the question again and do my best to be where I hope to be. 

So friends, with the knowledge of your 2020 struggles and knowing that there is more to come. Where do you see yourself in five years? How are you going to go about making it a reality?