One night a few years ago, I came home from work on my lunch break, as I do every night. This night, I was struck with a deep feeling of sorrow and despair. I was alone. Sitting in my bathroom I had an overwhelming urge to end it all. I felt that if I did no one would care. Work wouldn't notice if I didn't come back. I felt lost and alone.
This wasn't the first time, and it wasn't the last time I had this feeling. However this time was far more profound. I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I had no where I belonged. I don't like feeling this way, I just do, and I've managed. I've found ways to bring myself out of the darkness. I've always been different. I've always been proud of being different, but there are times where that just weighs on my soul. Making friends, keeping friends, being present, and participating. In high school I kept myself busy. Every day of the week I always had something to keep myself busy. Whether it was one of the various Drama club productions, or something for the Debate team. I never allowed myself time to get lost in my head. When it would overwhelm me it showed. I would get angry at nothing. I screamed at people that were there for me. I would clam up and not speak to people for hours or days. I allowed myself to get attached to toxic relationships. I let my fears run my life. I let my need for approval rule my life. I have always been afraid that I annoy people, its just been easier to keep to myself. I don't share my struggles with people. I bear the burden on my own until I can no longer handle it. Even then I still feel lost when people try to help.
I don't know a lot about depression and anxiety other than what I've experienced and what I've learned from others. I can see now that I have struggled for a long time, a lot of my behaviors have been signs. The day after this major moment of despair, Annie and I were traveling. I had been short with her, I was still struggling through the aftermath. She turned to me and asked me what was going on. For the first time in my life I was honest about what I was going through. That honesty was freeing. I learned that sharing my burdens makes them manageable. She of course reassured me that I wasn't alone in my struggle. She asked me tough questions about how we could get to the bottom of the issues. What makes this so interesting is that there were no triggers bringing me to this point. It was just my unhealthy thoughts that took over. Thoughts that forced all my happy memories away. That forced me to believe that I was just a burden to everyone in my life.
Some days I still just go through the motions. Other days I become angry with myself for being complacent. I become angry with those around me for things they can not control. I stopped screaming. I learned that it solves nothing. I've been more open to communicating with people through our issues. I've found ways to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay. On the best days I actually live. Those days are becoming more and more frequent.
On my journey, this has been one of the hardest lessons. I hope that by sharing myself with you, dear readers, that you can find a way to free yourself of the burdens that weigh you down. Even if you can't unload all of the burden; I hope that you know you can share your burden. You don't have to do it on your own. There will be difficult days, on those days don't be afraid to reach out to those that care about you. They want you there more than you could ever know. We are stronger together, and together we can get through this.
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