Have Faith

In October of 2018, I decided to end one journey and begin another. I struggled with the decision to end this journey for a long time. I chose to leave the religion I was an official member of for nearly 19 years. The religion I was born into, the religion my family has practiced for generations. I was born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was raised to learn to practice this religion, I was baptized at the age of 8 like so many others. As I grew up, my relationship with this religion became strained because of who I am. I knew what I was taught to believe, but I also knew who I was. Let me tell you, growing up as a gay kid in a church that was so anti-gay was difficult. My mind and heart were constantly pushing back against what I was taught. Many others do not survive this situation so I definitely feel lucky to have made it to the other side. I will always hold pieces of this church dear to me. People often believe that those of us that choose to leave didn't truly believe. That couldn't be more wrong. I had a testimony of the church, a pretty strong one too.Often times I find I still do have a testimony of certain things. I left because being a member would not allow me to be fully true to myself. I stayed through the many difficult conference talks about the immorality of homosexuality. I followed the guidelines that were set out for me. I went to church every Sunday. I attended the youth events every Tuesday. I went to seminary, I was even chosen by my teacher to be the president of our class for the period I was in. I cherished that teacher. He never made me feel like I was less than, for anything. I made it through the Church educational system and graduated. Of course there was always some push back. One year they put me in charge of picking the opening hymn. For a solid 3 months I made the other students sing the same Christmas song EVERY DAY. I hope those students remember that and secretly love that song as much as I still do. I stayed through the new policies towards the children of gay people. I stayed even though I got married and no longer attended.
My struggle with leaving really stemmed from the need to be apart of something bigger than myself. When I finally realized that I didn't need to be counted as a member to still cherish what I was raised to believe. I started the process of having my records removed. I'm quickly coming up on 1 year of post Mormon life. While the year has not been too eventful, I have been slowly learning that having faith is not the same thing as being religious. I have faith in things I cannot see. I believe in a higher power. What that is, I may never know. I have learned that doing good, does not need to be recognized by others. I don't need to stand up in front of a congregation and praise myself for the good things I have done. I don't need to talk of my trials of faith in front of my peers. My struggles are my own. My relationship with God is my own.
Leaving the church was one of the most important parts of the journey I am on.

I have held this quote in my heart since the very first time I heard it. I knew I had to be true to myself to live an authentic life. I lived one foot in and one foot out of the closet for so long. I wasn't ever fully open about myself to anyone. It wasn't fair to me and it definitely wasn't fair to my sweet Annie. I had to take the leap of faith out of the closet. As well as the leap of faith to leave my religion, and hope the people that cared about me would be there to help guide me to where I needed to be. I still struggle to find my place. I think it will always be there in the back of my mind, but it will only take up the space I allow it. I am on a continuous journey of faith. 
So have faith in yourself. Have faith in others. Have the strength you need to take the steps you need to be an authentic you.