I was in the 4th grade when I developed my first crush on another girl. I know I thought nothing of it then, and that I didn't think it wasn't normal. I was definitely too young to understand what a lesbian was. Occasionally I'll still see this girl or her family around town and oddly enough I feel shame and embarrassment about said crush. Silly to think that its almost been 20 years since then and I still feel awkward around her. Probably because she was one of my best friends and we most definitely drifted apart. I don't know if something happened and I blocked it out or what, but I do know that I don't want to know what it was that caused us to drift. Fast forward a few years, I was about to start high school and felt a strong need to reinvent myself. I was too old to play softball for the city youth league, and I didn't feel like I was skilled enough to play for the high school. I didn't want to experience the heartbreak of trying out and not making the team. Although I did try out a few years later and was too afraid to even check to see the team list. So I reinvented myself. The transition from middle school to high school was strange. I was technically a freshman, but freshman were still in the middle school. So I one day near the beginning of the year I saw a flyer for the Shakespeare team. I decided to try out. I ended up being cast in a trio scene with a couple other girls that was going to be coached by some of the older high school students. I absolutely loved every minute of it. I made lifelong friends out of the high school kids that coached me. We went to the high school Shakespeare competition and my trio scene ended up taking first place. I was ecstatic. Shakespeare, and those friends I made were the breath of fresh air I was searching for. I had to find a way to be around it more often. So in order to be around the people that helped change me I joined the debate team. it was there that I started to discover who I truly was. I was enlightened on subjects I never could have dreamed of. I started to explore my identity.
Through out high school I was in two actual relationships with people. Looking back, one taught me to fight for what I wanted, and the other, well, lets just say while I was becoming more comfortable with my reality, I lost big pieces of myself I'm still trying to get back. I am however grateful for those experiences, and I always will be. Once I left high school I thought I had it all figured out, I knew who I wanted to be and I knew what I needed to do to achieve that. When I got to college, I was not shy about who I was. Everyone knew the person I wanted to be known as. That alone was one of my biggest struggles. I made lifelong friends there as well, but being me and being out was difficult. Life was easier living in the closet. I went home, and went back in the closet. As seen in last weeks post, that was also a struggle.
Fast forward again. I had been working at Walmart for about 6 months. Someone I had connected with online was looking for a job, and I chose to help her join the overnight maintenance crew. She was out, and married. One of the first few weeks she was there, I mentioned to one of my now very good friends that she was a lesbian. He said, "oh, that's cool." I said, well good, I am too, and that was that.
I was out at work, but I wasn't out at home. Home was also a struggle. I decided to move out and try my hand at that. I did and was still very lonely. I thought that the person I moved in with was going to be my outlet to the world, but it turns out she had other priorities in her life that didn't mean hanging out with me. I only lasted there about two months. My brother had also just recently moved out on his own, and had an extra bedroom. Moving in with him was one of the best experiences of my life. I had never really been that close to him, and us sharing a home together brought us much closer. I actually still live in that place and share it now with Annie. When I moved out of my parents home I decided to finally put myself out there and try to date as an adult. I had an unsuccessful fling, and was struggling once again. One night I happened to open my Zoosk app and there was a message waiting for me. All it said was, I think you're cute, you should text me some time. Well that was that. I started talking to Annie. I made it known to her that I wasn't interested in dating just to date, that I was looking for someone to spend my life with. Well we all know how that one turned out. About 6 months into our relationship Annie started coming around my parents house with me, going to family dinners. 6 months later I proposed, all without telling my parents that we were together. Shortly after she moved in with us, and that was the unofficial, official coming out. A few months later, my Mom, Annie and I were driving to pick up dinner. I decided to drop the big bomb on my mom and tell her that we had decided to get married and asked her what she was doing on a specific date.
That was that I had officially ousted myself from the closet, and I have been living out and proud ever since. I even wear this pin on my vest at work. I am proud to be who I am and I want everyone to know it.
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