Honestly...

I have learned from my experiences over the last two months that I never want to be trapped all alone.  I hate being by myself, I hate going through the every day motions and just getting another day behind me with no end goal in sight. I’m tired. One of the consequences of working overnight is never really being sure of what day it is. I wouldn’t know the date if my watch and phone didn’t tell me every time I look at them. I’m tired of going to bed when the world is happening around me. I’m tired of experiencing life while the world sleeps. I’m tired of the every day. I truly have no idea how people lived like this without the technology we are blessed to have.  I spend 5 work days working mostly by myself. I spend those days after work completely alone. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone. I can’t keep this up much longer. I need something to change. What changes can I make to make my own life better in a world that is currently on hold? What changes can I make that don’t depend on someone else? That’s my goal for this week. Will it happen? We shall see. I’m finding it hard to be optimistic. I’m finding it hard to be happy at all. I feel like I’ve lost myself with the madness of the world. What lessons am I supposed to learn from these experiences? Are these feelings I’ve had for a long time? Or are they just exacerbated by current events? Have I neglected the outlets I once had and no longer remember what they were? I need to find my footing and make steps towards my goals. I need to face my fears and finally move forward. 

This wasn’t what I expected today, but an expected life is a boring life.