Representation

In my struggle to find inspiration, I realized I was in a rut. I was stuck living in a town that wasn't living up to my expectations. It probably never will, but that doesn't mean I can't be successful. I was stuck just moving through life without feeling. I survived every day, fake laughing at all the same jokes I'd heard a million times and I can guarantee I'll hear them a million more. "That must mean its free!" "another day, another dollar? yeah right!" You know how it is, I'm sure every job has those jokes. One night after finishing an audio book it struck me. My rut was not that I was stuck. I was lacking in representation. I watch TV that lacked in LGBTQ representation. I read books that fantasized LGBTQ people. Mainstream movies almost never had a gay main character, sure gay side characters. Movies that were accessible were either foreign (which is fine) or not the kind of content I was looking for.  I was struggling to see the everyday people that live and love like me. Before when I would read I had a criteria that I needed to be met so I could fall deep into a book. Rarely did I ever find one that really stuck with me. When looking for a movie to watch, I'm most often pulled towards a horror flick or a romantic comedy. Not what you'd expect of me right? All I've ever wanted was to see someone on the big screen that was like me. Had I been able to see that kind of love when I was growing up; I definitely would be a different person today. Sure, I wouldn't change who I am, but I would change my ideas as to what is "normal". Growing up in a small and very religious community, it was difficult to be true to myself. Every day I had to hide who I was. I walked the halls of my high school hearing kids say that there should be a hunting season for gays. I remember my first crush telling me about her lesbian aunts and how disgusting she thought they were. I remember how devastated I was. I remember the shame I felt when I would get butterflies when she smiled at me. I remember how terribly the gay kids that didn't live in the closet were treated. I had no sanctuary. Sure I tried to use the internet as a sort of sanctuary, but we all know the internet definitely is not a safe space. Not until the day that I finally gave up hiding did I ever feel like I was doing myself justice.  So when the rut hit me I finally admitted to myself that I was still struggling. I took it upon myself to find what I needed and the representation I was so desperately searching for. So after a quick google search I found my people and finally the internet had a safe space for me. I have been loving every minute of reading and listening to books where the main characters are lesbian or bisexual women. They struggle like I do, they love like I do, they struggle like I do. I definitely have to say thank you to the groups of people that have given me a place to call home while I continue to live in a community that loves to "Love the sinner, Hate the sin". It is hard to be optimistic when with every one step forward there are two steps back. Sure we'll get there, but it will take twice as long. Please don't get me wrong, I love where I live, and for the most part, I love my community. I grow and learn each day, and those that are open to it also grow and learn. I am grateful for those people. I eternally grateful for all the lesfic authors, publishers, reviewers, and narrators. You were my lifeline when I needed it. I am especially grateful to all my LGBTQ friends and family that understand these struggles. 

Together we will do more than just survive. We will live.